The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
[Illustration:
THE PROGRESS OF FASHION.
(p. 432)
]
The stormy petrels of disaster had frequently appeared over the
fluctuating sea of our commercial life, covering it in 1837, and in
every few successive epochs since, with its screaming, ill-omened, harpy
brood, while fleets and single vessels of mercantile adventure broke up
and lined the shore with their shattered wrecks. Then as now the owner
sometimes turned wrecker of his own cargo, and often made more from the
stranded pieces than he would have netted from the entire cargo had it
arrived safely in port; as the expected payment of its purchase price
would then have reduced the profits. This species of mercantile salvage,
by which the proprietor profits by his losses, although not unknown to
the traders of Carthage, has had an extension in modern days, that
threatens to put merchandizing among those equivocal ventures, which
puzzle casuists in cases of conscience, and often defy even the doctrine
of chances as to the payment.
The discovery, in 1848, of gold in California bestowed upon America the
Midas-touch it had fervently prayed for. Gold, sweated from the pores of
labor, was sprinkled in a dusty shower upon the head of beauty, dropped
in bars upon the scales of the vendors of dry goods and wet goods,
filmed the eyes of marriageable girls with an aureous ophthalmia which
indisposed them to see any desirable wedding unless it was golden, and
so veneered the duties and chairs of railway directors, members of the
legislature and of Congress, with a yellow smearing, that nearly all
bills, resolutions, or orders have refused to dip into or drink from any
stream but Pactolus. Many homes, however, through that half-century, we
are happy to say, unwatered by the curse of that thirsty stream, had
taken root and sent up solid shafts whose numerous branches bloomed with
bountiful clusters, while sweet-smelling vines, springing alongside the
family trees from the roots of the simple love-knots, spread a
protecting shade over many a family roof-tree.
Curiously enough, Midas always had a spite against children, which grow
up thickest among heaps of clam-shells and on poor side-hills.
Into our flowering ecclesiastial garden, planted with every known
variety, and exhibiting large and vigorous growths, Joseph Smith—a
Vermont simple—introduced, in 1827, a new shrub. It bore at first a
double Mormon flower-looking tip, distributed in pretty equal numbers on
its deep-green, sucker-like shoots; but transplanted first to Nauvoo,
Illinois, in 1838, and ten years later to the alkaline soil of Utah, it
immediately bore the female variety in alarming disproportion. This Salt
Lake shrub—of the _genus polygamous_—has become by cultivation a very
rank weed, smelling earthily to heaven. Its numerous Young off-shoots
require severe cutting, if not distinct subsoil treatment.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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