The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
Striking Historical Contrasts of professed Virtue and cruel
Enforcement.—The American Fetich; its strange, passionate Worship and
armed Adoration.—The Freshet of Slavery traced from its small
Beginnings.—Mr. Lincoln over its Ridges lands in Washington.—A
Striking Announcement, and who it struck.—Of Seward, Cameron, and
Chase.—A Naval Joke.—A Wry Fort makes Wry Faces.—An American
Nightmare.—Watching with the Sleeper.—Sparing the Rod and getting the
Ramrod.—Call for Seventy-five Thousand Ramrods.—Massachusetts Boys and
Baltimore Hards.—Busses and Blunderbusses.—Few Office-Seekers, but
many Gun-Holders in Washington in April, 1861.—The English Telescope
and the Wonders it discovered.—A Dual View.—An Official Talk between
two Lords.—A Proclamation to restrain Englishmen.—A Parallel.—War
Materials, Forts, etc., generously given away by Loose-handed
Custodians.—Twiggs inclined as Tree is bent.—Cotton Curtain before
Washington; and a near View of it by General Mansfield.—Colonel
Ellsworth.—Butler and Bethel.—Lyons in Missouri.—McClellan moves into
Virginia; what he found.—A Wise Man flees when a real Man
pursueth.—Bull’s Run and General Run.—A Discovery and Noise over
it.—Stonewall Jackson and Praying Soldiers.—Piety and Powder.—A
Drill-Ground near Washington.—General Lee’s First Kicks against the
Pricks.—Du Pont at Port Royal.—Mason, Slidell, and Vigilant
Friends.—John C. Breckenridge a striking Sign-Board.—War in the
Mississippi Valley.—Kentucky and her coy Ways.—A Spartan Leonidas and
Greek Ulysses.—Christmas Eve, 1861.
“Robespierre,” says a terse, sentence-packing essayist, “would slay one
half of France to get the other half to follow his principles of
virtue.”
The cotton rebellion is another illustration of the same horrible
tenderness, the same selfish loveliness, the same unsentimental
sentimentalism.
Like the strange histories of Scylla, of Marius, of Simon de Montfort
and his helmed soldiery against the Waldenses, of Alva in the
Netherlands, of Philip II., and of Claverhouse, in Scotland, it exhibits
a courage, endurance, sacrifices, and heroism which exalt, to compass
ends which debase and brutalize human nature.
Setting up in the second half of the nineteenth century, and in free,
much-reading America, a fetich for worship, brought from Africa, slimy
with snakes, foul, cruel, deformed, and misshapen, its singularly
enthusiastic votaries, after insisting by books, tracts, primers, by
philosophic essay, bound treatise, and unbound poetry, in Congress,
conventions, lecture-rooms, prayer-meetings, horse-races, and in all
places, seasonable or unseasonable, thirsty or wet, that the fetich,
though repudiated by all civilized people, was the true and undoubted
patron of government, society, wealth, progress, and human, i. e.
white-skinned happiness, at last seized musket and sword to maintain and
perpetuate her horrid rites, although this maintenance should overturn
and waste all other shrines.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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