The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
An offer from my father’s brother, who had become rich in mercantile
business, drew my father and the family in my fifth year to the city of
Philadelphia. With this change of base came sharper tactics against the
army of poverty; and at last, by fighting it on the same line, although
it took all the summer of his life, he achieved the victory. I was then
sent to the best schools; took lessons at home in some branches from a
private teacher; took—I own it now—lessons in other branches privately,
out of the house, without my father’s knowledge, although at his expense
for the tuition; and at last I went to college.
Hard study, matched by an irrepressible love of pranks at night; a
knowledge of Euclid’s lines and clothes line; of belles-lettres and
unlettered belles; of geometrical and other squares; of chemistry
applied to known uses and to experiments for which there were no
precedents in the books; prizes offered by the faculty, and prizes
offered by Mrs. Green and Mrs. White in the persons of their handsome
daughters,—these all braided together the threads of my university life
into a pattern which, if not unusual, was made up principally of figures
little admired at home.
My father was not at all pleased with the well-red bill I brought with
me, and quite as little with the unsigned ones which followed me, from
college; and, concluding that I might run my own face for a while, set
his sharply against me.
I took to teaching; sounding over again the shallow depths of old
studies, but often striking the lead on the rocky bottom of a temper too
long indulged not to be stern when touched by children’s
thoughtlessness.
My father’s death cast upon me responsibilities for my mother and the
estate, which dropped the curtain upon my dream-life, and lifted it from
the long perspective of actual work and business cares. Among my
father’s papers I found the following original document, which I
reproduce here, as showing his shrewdness of observation, and the
character of the parent who helped to form some elements of my own.
“A NEW AMERICAN DECALOGUE.
“Hear, O Jonathan, the commandments which thou hast made,—teaching them
to thy infants, thy Freedmen, thy Irishmen, thy office-holders,—the
asses within thy gates.
I.
“Thou shalt have no other God but Gain. Trade, and labor, husband-ry and
all other brokerage, shall be his profits.
II.
“Graven images and pictures other than greenbacks and fractional
currency thou shalt not make.
“These shalt continue to be unlike anything elsewhere, in the heavens
above or in the earth beneath; and to them, therefore, thou mayst bow
down thyself unto the thirty-third or thirty-fourth generation, using up
in their pursuit all thy soles, thy health, and thy neighbor as thyself.
III.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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