The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the presentSherwood, John D.
History
The comic history of the United States, from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present
Sherwood, John D.
United States -- History -- Humor
vacated by Tiberius, and from its slimy top had pitched victims to wild
beasts and voracious fish, and amused the bloody pauses in his grim, mad
humors by feeding his favorite horse with gilded oats, and would have
made him consul had not the least inhuman brute died before his
quadripedal instalment into the office which Cicero sought so long and
praised so loudly.
The great events, especially if at a distance, fill large spaces in our
histories; but, like a marriage or death in the family, they occupy but
a comparatively brief part of the life of any of its members. There is a
great deal of water, even in rivers that are famous for large fish, that
holds no fish at all,—waters whose onflow gladdens and refreshes large
districts. A nation or a community must at some time have marked events
to stir its blood and create noble memories; but it cannot live on
Fourth of July or the remembrance of Waterloo. The life of the greater
part of the colonists passed, as that of most people in all times and
countries is spent, in quiet, steady work during the day, eating three
meals if they had them, and two if they had not, and in sleeping as well
nights as the hot or cold weather, wives or children, or other
disturbers of the peace, would permit. We read of some red-letter event,
like Kidd’s piracies in 1696–1698, that tossed from the deck possibly
twenty people; and fancy that this Semmes must have borne an important
part in those closing years of the century, without reflecting that
almost every week in the year records more victims on our rivers and
railroads,—victims despatched by us between the mouthfuls of our toast
at breakfast. Such events bear the same relation to the volume of life
as the capital letters, which head the chapters of a book, to its solid
contents. They are the daubs of paint on the card of gingerbread; the
small pinholes pricked in the large family loaf. We eat one thousand and
ninety-four meals in the year without any recollection of them; we
remember only the one Thanksgiving dinner which did us no more good than
the others, and which probably, like Kidd’s piracies, stuck in our crops
very distressingly. No doubt many of the colonists never heard of Robert
Kidd; and others, who had listened to Mary Jane singing the song which
told “how he sailed,” fancied that, like Bluebeard, he was only invented
for songs and red-covered primers. In fine, these notable events are, in
general, but the froth-bubbles on the river’s surface. The solid
on-pressing mass does not feel the puffy little globes, iridescent
though they be, and swells though they may appear to the few fish just
around them. There was only one Kidd on the wide seas. Of the many other
craft, carefully managed, sailing slowly and wearily, earning patient
wages, and making port at the same time, we hear nothing.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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