The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
We have a quadrille, in which an English person slips up and jams his
massive brow against my stomach. He apologizes, and I say, "all right,
my lord." I subsequently ascertained that he superintended the
shipping of coals for the British steamers, and owned fighting cocks.
_______________ The natives amass wealth by carrying valises, &c., then
squander it for liquor. My native comes to me as I sit on the veranda
of the Howard House smoking a cigar, and solicits the job of taking
my things to the cars next morning. He is intoxicated, and has been
fighting, to the palpable detriment of his wearing apparel; for he has
only a pair of tattered pantaloons and a very small quantity of shirt
left.
We go to bed. Eight of us are assigned to a small den upstairs, with
only two lame apologies for beds.
Mosquitoes and even rats annoy us fearfully. One bold rat gnaws at the
feet of a young Englishman in the party. This was more than the young
Englishman could stand, and rising from his bed he asked us if New
Grenada wasn't a Republic? We said it was. "I thought so," he said.
"Of course I mean no disrespect to the United States of America in the
remark, but I think I prefer a bloated monarchy!" He smiled sadly--then
handing his purse and his mother's photograph to another English person,
he whispered softly, "If I am eaten up, give them to Me mother--tell her
I died like a true Briton, with no faith whatever in the success of a
republican form of government!" And then he crept back to bed again.
_______________ We start at seven the next morning for Panama.
My native comes bright and early to transport my carpet sack to the
railway station. His clothes have suffered still more during the night,
for he comes to me now dressed only in a small rag and one boot.
At last we are off. "Adios, Americanos!" the natives cry; to which I
pleasantly reply, "Adous! and long may it be before you have a chance to
Do us again."
The cars are comfortable on the Panama railway, and the country through
which we pass is very beautiful. But it will not do to trust it much,
because it breeds fevers and other unpleasant disorders, at all seasons
of the year. Like a girl we most all have known, the Isthmus is fair
but false.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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