The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The Mormon girl is reared to believe that the plurality-wife system
as it is delicately called here is strictly right; and in linking her
destiny with a man who has twelve wives, she undoubtedly considers she
is doing her duty. She loves the man, probably, for I think it is not
true, as so many writers have stated, that girls are forced to marry
whomsoever "the Church" may dictate. Some parents no doubt advise,
connive, threaten, and in aggravated cases incarcerate here, as some
parents have always done elsewhere, and always will do as long as
petticoats continue to be an institution.
How these dozen or twenty wives get along without heart-burnings and
hairpullings I can't see.
There are instances on record, you know, where a man don't live in a
state of uninterrupted bliss with one wife. And to say that a man can
possess twenty wives without having his special favorite, or favorites,
is to say that he is an angel in boots--which is something I have never
been introduced to. You never saw an angel with a Beard, although you
may have seen the Bearded Woman.
The Mormon woman is early taught that man, being created in the image of
the Saviour, is far more godly than she can ever be, and that for her
to seek to monopolize his affections is a species of rank sin. So she
shares his affections with five or six or twenty other women, as the
case may be.
A man must be amply able to support a number of wives before he can take
them. Hence, perhaps, it is that so many old chaps in Utah have young
and blooming wives in their seraglios, and so many young men have only
one.
I had a man pointed out to me who married an entire family. He had
originally intended to marry Jane, but Jane did not want to leave her
widowed mother. The other three sisters were not in the matrimonial
market for the same reason; so this gallant man married the whole crowd,
including the girl's grandmother, who had lost all her teeth, and had
to be fed with a spoon. The family were in indigent circumstances,
and they could not but congratulate themselves on securing a wealthy
husband. It seemed to affect the grandmother deeply, for the first
words she said on reaching her new home were: "Now, thank God! I shall
have my gruel reg'lar!"
The name of Joseph Smith is worshipped in Utah; and, "they say," that
although he had been dead a good many years, he still keeps on marrying
women by proxy. He "reveals" who shall act as his earthly agent in
this matter, and the agent faithfully executes the defunct Prophet's
commands.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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