The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"And this man," I cried bitterly, "calls hisself a intelligent man, and
thinks he orter be allowed to vote! What a holler mockery!"
I've no objection to ev'ry intelligent man votin' if he wants to. It's
a pleasant amoosement, no doubt; but there is those whose igrance is
so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be trustid with a ballit any
more'n one of my trained serpunts should be trusted with a child to play
with.
I went to the station with a view of returnin' to town on the cars.
"This way, Sir," said the guard; "here you ar," and he pinted to
a first-class carriage, the sole ockepant of which was a rayther
prepossessin' female of about 30 summers.
"No, I thank you," I earnestly replied, "I prefer to walk."
I am, dear Sir,
Very respectivly
yours,
Artemus Ward
_______________
III.
THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROMWELL.
MR. PUNCH: My Dear Sir,--It is now two weeks since a rayther strange
lookin man engaged 'partments at the Green Lion. He stated he was from
the celebrated United States, but beyond this he said nothin. He seem'd
to prefer sollytood. He remained mostly in his room, and whenever he
did show hisself he walkt in a moody and morose manner in the garding,
with his hed bowed down and his arms foldid across his brest. He
reminded me sumwhat of the celebrated but onhappy "Mr. Haller," in the
cheerful play of "The Stranger." This man puzzled me. I'd been puzzled
afore several times, but never so severally as now. Mine Ost of the
Greenlion said I must interregate this strange bein, who claimed to be
my countryman.
"He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he's been in this ere Ouse,"
said the landlord. "I look to you," he added, "to clear up this dark,
this orful mistry!"
I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand, and told him to consider the
mistry cleared up.
I gained axes to the misterus bein's room, and by talkin sweet to
him for a few minits, I found out who he was. Then returnin to the
lan'lord, who was nervisly pacin up and down the bar, I said,
"Sweet ROLANDO, don't tremble no more! I've torn the marsk from the
hawty stranger's face, and dived into the recesses of his inmost sole!
He's a Trans-Mejim."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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