The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The man graspt me warmly by the hand, and said he had been in America,
Upper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and other towns, and he'd never met a
man he liked as much as he did me.
"Let us," he added, "let us to the shrine of Bachus!"
And he dragged me into a public house. I was determined to pay, so I
said, "Mr. Bachus, giv this gen'l'man what he calls for."
We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my dinner-time arrove,
when the agreeable gentleman insisted that I should dine with him.
"We'll have a banquet, Sir, fit for the gods!"
I told him good plain vittles would soot me. If the gods wanted to have
the dispepsy, they was welcome to it.
We had soop and fish, and a hot jint, and growsis, and wines of rare
and costly vintige. We had ices, and we had froots from Greenland's icy
mountins and Injy's coral strands; and when the sumptoous reparst was
over, the agree'ble man said he'd unfortnitly left his pocket-book at
home on the marble centre- table.
"But, by Jove!" he said, "it was a feast fit for the gods!"
I said, "Oh, never mind," and drew out my puss; tho' I in'ardly wished
the gods, as the dinner was fit for 'em, was there to pay for it.
I come of a very clever fam'ly.
The agree'ble gentleman then said, "Now, I will show you our Club. It
dates back to the time of William the Conquerer."
"Did Bill belong to it?" I inquired.
"He did."
"Wall," I said, "if Billy was one of 'em, I need no other endorsement as
to its respectfulness, and I'll go with you, my gay trooper boy!" And
we went off arm-in-arm.
On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was called the
Sloshers. He said I would notice that none of 'em appeared in evenin
dress. He said it was agin the rools of the club. In fack, if any
member appeared there in evenin dress he'd be instantly expeld.
"And yit," he added, "there's geneyus there, and lorfty emotions, and
intelleck. You'll be surprised at the quantities of intelleck you'll
see there."
We reached the Sloshers in due time, and I must say they was a
shaky-looking lot, and the public house where they convened was
certingly none of the best.
The Sloshers crowded round me, and said I was welcome.
"What a beautiful brest-pin you've got," said one of 'em. "Permit me,"
and he took it out of my neckercher. "Isn't it luvly," he said, parsin
it to another, who parsed it to another.
It was given me by my Aunt, on my promisin her I'd never swear
profanely; and I never have, except on very special occasions. I see
that beautiful boosum pin a parsin from one Slosher to another, and I'm
reminded of them sad words of the poit, "parsin away! parsin away!" I
never saw it no more.
Then in comes a athletic female, who no sooner sees me than she utters a
wild yell, and cries:
"At larst! at larst! My Wilyim, from the seas!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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