The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"Whar away?" hollered the capting, clearin his glass (a empty black
bottle, with the bottom knockt out) and bringing it to his Eagle eye.
"Bout four rods to the starbud," screamed the boy.
"Jes so," screeched the capting. "What wessel's that air?"
"Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and be darned to you!"
"I, I, Sir!" hollered our capting. "Reef your arft hoss, splice your
main jib-boom, and hail your chamber-maid! What's up in Terry Hawt?"
"You know Bill Spikes?" said the capting of the Warier.
"Wall, I reckin. He can eat more fride pork nor any man of his heft on
the Wabash. He's a ornament to his sex!"
"Wall," continued the capting of the Kickin Warier. "Wilyim got a
little owly the tother day, and got to prancin around town on that old
white mare of his'n, and bein in a playful mood, he rid up in front of
the Court 'us whar old Judge Perkins was a holdin Court, and let drive
his rifle at him. The bullet didn't hit the Judge at all; it only jes
whizzed parst his left ear, lodgin in the wall behind him; but what d'ye
spose the old despot did? Why, he actooally fined Bill ten dollars for
contempt of Court! What do you think of that?" axed the capting of the
Warier, as he parst a long black bottle over to our capting.
"The country is indeed in danger!" said our capting, raisin the bottle
to his lips. The wessels parted. No other incidents that day. Retired
to my chased couch at 5 minits parst 10.
Wensdy.--Riz arly. Wind blowin N.W.E. Hevy sea on, and ship rollin
wildly in consekents of pepper-corns havin been fastened to the forrerd
hoss's tale. "Heave two!" roared the capting to the man at the rudder,
as the Polly giv a friteful toss. I was sick, an sorry I'd cum. "Heave
two!" repeated the capting. I went below. "Heave two!" I hearn him
holler agin, and stickin my hed out of the cabin winder, I hev.
The hosses became docile eventually, and I felt better. The sun bust
out in all his splender, disregardless of expense, and lovely Natur put
in her best licks. We parst the beautiful village of Limy, which lookt
sweet indeed, with its neat white cottages, Institoots of learnin
and other evijences of civillizashun, incloodin a party of bald heded
cullered men was playing 3 card monty on the stoop of the Red Eagle
tavern. All, all was food for my 2 poetic sole. I went below to
breakfast, but vittles had lost their charms. "Take sum of this,"
said the Capting, shovin a bottle tords my plate. "It's whisky. A few
quarts allers sets me right when my stummick gits out of order. It's a
excellent tonic!" I declined the seductive flooid.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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