"I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could see some of my feelins.  There's fire enuff in here," sed I, strikin my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in the naberhood.  Versoovius and the Critter ain't a circumstans!" She bowd her hed down and commenst chawin the strings to her sun bonnet. "Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry threw with on your account, how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me & how my lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me.  Gase on this wastin form and these 'ere sunken cheeks"-- I should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the pastur ker smash, tearin my close and seveerly damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time and dragged me 4th.  Then drawin herself up to her full hite she sed: "I won't listen to your noncents no longer.  Jes say rite strate out what you're drivin at.  If you mean gettin hitched, I'M IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practicul purpusses, and we proceeded immejitely to the parson's, & was made 1 that very nite. (Notiss to the Printer: Put some stars here.) * * * * * * * * I've parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane has bin troo as steel.  By attendin strickly to bizniss I've amarsed a handsum Pittance.  No man on this footstool can rise & git up & say I ever knowinly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few and exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a endliss variety of life-size wax figgers, & the only traned kangaroo in Ameriky--the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to a discriminatin public. ____________________ THE CRISIS. [This Oration was delivered before the commencement of the war.] On returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville, Injianny, resuntly, my feller sitterzens extended a invite for me to norate to 'em on the Krysis.  I excepted & on larst Toosday nite I peared be4 a C of upturned faces in the Red Skool House.  I spoke nearly as follers: