The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Durin a recent visit to New York the undersined went to see Edwin
Forrest. As I'm into the moral show bizness myself, I ginrally go to
Barnum's moral Museum, where only moral peple air admitted, pertickly on
Wednesday arternoons. But this time I thot I'd go & see Ed. Ed has bin
actin out on the stage for many years. There is varis 'pinions about
his actin, Englishmen ginrally bleevin that he is far superior to Mister
Macready; but on one pint all agree, & that is that Ed draws like a six
ox team. Ed was actin at Niblo's Garding, which looks considerable more
like a parster, than a garding, but let that pars. I sot down in the
pit, took out my spectacles & commenced peroosin the evenin's bill. The
awjince was all-fired large & the boxes was full of the elitty of
New York. Several opery glasses was leveld at me by Gothum's farest
darters, but I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho mebby I did take
out my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it round more than was
necessary. But the best of us has our weaknesses & if a man has gewelry
let him show it. As I was peroosin the bill a grave young man who
sot near me axed me if I'd ever seen Forrest dance the Essence of Old
Virginny? "He's immense in that," sed the young man. "He also does a
fair champion jig," the young man continnerd, "but his Big Thing is the
Essence of Old Virginny." Sez I, "Fair youth, do you know what I'd do
with you if you was my sun?"
"No," sez he.
"Wall," sez I, "I'd appint your funeral tomorrow arternoon, & the KORPS
SHOULD BE READY! You're too smart to live on this yearth." He
didn't try any more of his capers on me. But another pussylanermus
individooul, in a red vest & patent lether boots, told me his name was
Bill Astor & axed me to lend him 50 cents till early in the mornin.
I told him I'd probly send it round to him before he retired to his
virtoous couch, but if I didn't he might look for it next fall, as soon
as I cut my corn. The Orchestry was now fiddling with all their
might, & as the peple didn't understan anything about it they applaudid
versifrussly. Presently, Old Ed cum out. The play was Otheller or More
of Veniss. Otheller was writ by Wm. Shakspeer. The scene is laid in
Veniss. Otheller was a likely man & was a ginral in the Veniss army.
He eloped with Desdemony, a darter of the Hon. Mister Brabantio, who
represented one of the back districks in the Veneshun legislater. Old
Brabantio was as mad as thunder at this & tore round considerable, but
finally cooled down, tellin Otheller, howsever, that Desdemony had come
it over her Par, & that he had better look out or she'd come it over
him likewise. Mr. & Mrs. Otheller git along very comfortable like for a
spell. She is sweet-tempered and luvin--a nice, sensible female, never
goin in for he-female conventions, green cotton umbrellers, and pickled
beats. Otheller is a good provider and thinks all the world of his
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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