The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"On, Romans!" shrieked Cornwallis, who had once seen a theatrical
performance and remembered the heroic appeals of the Thespian
belligerents, "on to the fray! No sleep till mornin'."
"Let eout all their bowels," yelled Washington, "and down with taxation
on tea!"
The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were properly arranged,
and Cornwallis, dismounting, prepared to present his sword to Washington
according to programme. As he walked slowly towards the Father of
His Country he rehearsed the little speech he had committed for the
occasion, while the illustrious being who was to hear it was making
desperate efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would wildly brandish
his sword and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's ears, and then he
would fall suddenly forward on to the steed's neck, grasping the mane
as drowning men seize hold of straws. He was giving an inimitable
representation of Toodles on horseback. All idea of the magnitude of
the occasion had left him, and when he saw Cornwallis approaching, with
slow and stately step, and sword-hilt extended toward him, he inquired,
"What'n devil you want, any (hic) how!"
"General Washington," said Cornwallis, in dignified and impressive
tones, "I tender you my sword. I need not inform you, Sir, how
deeply--"
The speech was here suddenly cut short by Washington, who, driving the
spurs into his horse, playfully attempted to ride over the commander
of the British forces. He was not permitted to do this, for his aids,
seeing his unfortunate condition, seized the horse by the bridle,
straightened Washington up in his saddle, and requested Cornwallis to
proceed with his remarks.
"General Washington," said Cornwallis, "the British Lion prostrates
himself at the feet of the American Eagle!"
"Eagle? EAGLE!" yelled the infuriated Washington, rolling off his horse
and hitting Cornwallis a frightful blow on the head with the flat of his
sword, "do you call me a EAGLE, you mean, sneakin' cuss?" He struck him
again, sending him to the ground, and said, "I'll learn you to call me a
Eagle, you infernal scoundrel!"
Cornwallis remained upon the ground only a moment. Smarting from
the blows he had received, he arose with an entirely unlooked for
recuperation on the part of the fallen, and in direct defiance of
historical example; in spite of the men of both nations, indeed, he
whipped the Immortal Washington until he roared for mercy.
The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at the conduct of their
chief, now began to sympathize with him, and resolved to whip their mock
foes in earnest. They rushed fiercely upon them, but the British were
really the stronger party and drove the Americans back. Not content
with this they charged madly upon them and drove them from the
field--from the village, in fact. There were many heads damaged, eyes
draped in mourning, noses fractured and legs lamed--it is a wonder that
no one was killed outright.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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