The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Washington was confined to his house for several weeks, but he
recovered at last. For a time there was a coolness between himself
and Cornwallis, but they finally concluded to join the whole county in
laughing about the surrender.
They live now. Time, the "artist," has thoroughly whitewashed their
heads, but they are very jolly still. On town meeting days the old
'Squire always rides down to the village. In the hind part of his
venerable yellow wagon is always a bunch of hay, ostensibly for the old
white horse, but really to hide a glass bottle from the vulgar gaze.
This bottle has on one side a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other
may be seen the Goddess of Liberty. What the bottle contains inside I
cannot positively say, but it is true that 'Squire Wood and Lawyer Jones
visit that bottle very frequently on town-meeting days and come back
looking quite red in the face. When this redness in the face becomes
of the blazing kind, as it generally does by the time the polls close, a
short dialogue like this may be heard.
"We shall never play surrender again, Lawyer Jones."
"Them days is over, 'Squire Wood!"
And they laugh and jocustly punch each other in the ribs.
____________________
THINGS IN NEW YORK.
The stoodent and connyseer must have noticed and admired in varis parts
of the United States of America large yeller hanbills, which not only
air gems of art in theirselves, but they troothfully sit forth the
attractions of my show--a show, let me here obsarve, that contains many
livin' wild animils, every one of which has got a Beautiful Moral.
Them hanbills is sculpt in New York.
& I annoolly repair here to git some more on 'um;
&, bein' here, I tho't I'd issoo a Adress to the public on matters and
things.
Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all over the Pacific
Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo unimpaired; but I've
got to git some new clothes.
Many changes has taken place, even durin' my short absence, & sum on um
is Sollum to contempulate. The house in Varick street, where I used to
Board, is bein' torn down. That house, which was rendered memoriable
by my livin' into it, is "parsin' away! parsin' away!" But some of the
timbers will be made into canes, which will be sold to my admirers at
the low price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin' on continerly.
In the New World it is war--in the Old World Empires is totterin' &
Dysentaries is crumblin'. These canes is cheap at a dollar.
Sammy Booth, Duane street, sculps my hanbills, & he's artist. He studid
in Rome--State of New York.
I'm here to read the proof-sheets of my hanbils as fast as they're
sculpt. You have to watch these ere printers pretty close, for they're
jest as apt to spel a wurd rong as anyhow.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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