The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol I desire to
cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat in the paper from a
certin purson who singes hisself Olonzo Ward, & sez he is my berruther.
I did once hav a berruther of that name, but I do not recugnize him
now. To me he is wuss than ded! I took him from collige sum 16 years
ago and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show. How
did he repay me for this kindness? He basely undertook (one day while
in a Backynalian mood on rum & right in sight of the aujience in the
tent) to stand upon his hed, whareby he betray'd his sex on account of
his boots & his Beard fallin' off his face, thus rooinin' my prospecks
in that town, & likewise incurrin' the seris displeasure of the Press,
which sed boldly I was triflin with the feelin's of a intelligent
public. I know no such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not even wish his name
breathed in my presents. I do not recognize him. I perfectly disgust
him.
RICHMOND.
The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I cum here a few
days arter the city catterpillertulated.
My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin' bravery onto the
part of a man at my time of life, but our family was never know'd to
quale in danger's stormy hour.
My father was a sutler in the Revolootion War. My father once had a
intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette.
He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin' to pay him in
the Fall; but Lafy said "he couldn't see it in those lamps." Lafy was
French, and his knowledge of our langwidge was a little shaky.
Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spotswood House, and
callin' to my assistans a young man from our town who writes a good
runnin' hand, I put my ortograph on the Register, and handin' my
umbrella to a baldheded man behind the counter, who I s'posed was Mr.
Spotswood, I said, "Spotsy, how does she run?"
He called a cullud purson, and said,
"Show the gen'lman to the cowyard, and giv' him cart number 1."
"Isn't Grant here?" I said. "Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't mind my turnin'
in with him."
"Do you know the Gin'ral?" inquired Mr. Spotswood.
"Wall, no, not 'zacky; but he'll remember me. His brother-in-law's Aunt
bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi all one winter. My uncle Levi's
rye meal was--"
"Pooh! pooh!" said Spotsy, "don't bother me," and he shuv'd my umbrella
onto the floor. Obsravin' to him not to be so keerless with that wepin,
I accompanid the African to my lodgins.
"My brother," I sed, "air you aware that you've bin mancipated? Do you
realize how glorus it is to be free? Tell me, my dear brother, does it
not seem like some dreams, or do you realize the great fact in all its
livin' and holy magnitood?"
He sed he would take some gin.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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