The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under a one-mule cart. The
hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I hadn't gone to the Libby
Prison. Tho' I should hav' slept comf'ble enuff if the bed-clothes
hadn't bin pulled off me durin' the night, by a scoundrul who cum and
hitched a mule to the cart and druv it off. I thus lost my cuverin',
and my throat feels a little husky this mornin'.
Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin me my
choice of hospitals.
He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a smallpox amboolance.
UNION SENTIMENT.
There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city. I see it on
ev'ry hand.
I met a man to-day--I am not at liberty to tell his name, but he is a
old and inflooentooial citizen of Richmond, and sez he, "Why! We've
bin fightin' agin the Old Flag! Lor' bless me, how sing'lar!" He then
borrer'd five dollars of me and bust into a flood of teers.
Sed another (a man of standin' and formerly a bitter rebuel), "Let us at
once stop this effooshun of Blud! The Old Flag is good enuff for me.
Sir," he added, "you air from the North! Have you a doughnut or a piece
of custard pie about you?"
I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had just organized
a sort of restaurant, where he could go and make a very comfortable
breakfast on New England rum and cheese. He borrowed fifty cents of me,
and askin' me to send him Wm. Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I
got home, he walked off.
Said another, "There's bin a tremendous Union feelin here from the
fust. But we was kept down by a rain of terror. Have you a dagerretype
of Wendell Phillips about your person? and will you lend me four dollars
for a few days till we air once more a happy and united people."
JEFF. DAVIS.
Jeff. Davis is not pop'lar here. She is regarded as a Southern
sympathizer. & yit I'm told he was kind to his Parents. She ran away
from 'em many years ago, and has never bin back. This was showin' 'em
a good deal of consideration when we refleck what his conduck has been.
Her captur in female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & you
see I speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I guess he feels
so hisself.
R. LEE.
Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller.
He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his sword very
reluctant. In fact, he wouldn't hav' drawd his sword at all, only he
had a large stock of military clothes on hand, which he didn't want to
waste. He sez the colored man is right, and he will at once go to New
York and open a Sabbath School for negro minstrels.
THE CONFEDERATE ARMY.
The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston and others leaves the Confedrit
Army in a ruther shattered state. That army now consists of Kirby
Smith, four mules and a Bass drum, and is movin' rapidly to'rds Texis.
A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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