The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
FRIEND WALES,--You remember me. I saw you in Canady a few years ago. I
remember you too. I seldim forget a person.
I hearn of your marriage to the Printcis Alexandry, & ment ter writ you
a congratoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bildin a barn this
summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoose me.
Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body politic. The
body politic, in fack, is sick. I sometimes think it has got biles,
friend Wales.
In my country we've got war, while your country, in conjunktion with
Cap'n Sems of the "Alobarmy," manetanes a nootral position!
I'm afraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it. Oh no, I guess not!
Yes, Sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses,
you bet.
I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, & I stand reddy to
sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin krusht.
And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied
relations has got to prosekoot the war. I think sumbody oughter be
prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as any body else. When I git a
goakin fit onto me it's no use to try ter stop me.
You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It caused sum
squirmin', but it was fairly conducted, I think, for it hit all
classes. It is troo that Wendill Phillips, who is a American citizen of
African scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallandiggum, who is Conservativ,
and who wus resuntly sent South, tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry
Tortoogus if Abe had 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would
keep him.
We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin'
circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we wasn't long in suspents as
to who was drafted.
One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because he was the only
son of a widow'd mother who supported him. A few able-bodid dead men
was drafted, but whether their heirs will have to pay 3 hundrid dollars
a peace for 'em is a question for Whitin', who 'pears to be tinkerin' up
this draft bizniss right smart. I hope he makes good wages.
I think most of the conscrips in this place will go. A few will go to
Canady, stopping on their way at Concord, N.H., where I understan there
is a Muslum of Harts.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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