The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin' all sides; but no offense is
ment. You know I ain't a politician, and never was. I vote for Mr.
Union--that's the only candidate I've got. I claim, howsever, to have
a well-balanced mind; tho' my idees of a well-balanced mind differs from
the idees of a partner I once had, whose name it was Billson. Billson
and me orjanized a strollin' dramatic company, & we played The Drunkard,
or the Falling Saved, with a real drunkard. The play didn't take
particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let's giv 'em some immoral dramy.
We had a large troop onto our hands, consisting of eight tragedians
and a bass drum, but I says, No, Billson; and then says I, Billson, you
hain't got a well-balanced mind. Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-fly (he
was a low cuss)--yes, I have. I have a mind, says he, that balances
in any direction that the public rekires. That's wot I call a
well-balanced mind. I sold out and bid adoo to Billson. He is now an
outcast in the State of Vermont. The miser'ble man once played Hamlet.
There wasn't any orchestry, and wishin' to expire to slow moosic, he
died playin' on a claironett himself, interspersed with hart-rendin'
groans, & such is the world! Alars! alars! how onthankful we air to
that Providence which kindly allows us to live and borrow money, and
fail und do bizniss!
But to return to our subjeck. With our resunt grate triumps on the
Mississippi, the Father of Waters (and them is waters no Father need
feel 'shamed of--twig the wittikism?) and the cheerin' look of things
in other places, I reckon we shan't want any Muslum of Harts. And what
upon airth do the people of Concord, N.H., want a Muslum of Harts for?
Hain't you got the State House now? & what more do you want?
But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all. My
objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum advice, friend Wales,
about managin' your wife, a bizniss I've had over thirty years
experience in.
You had a good weddin. The papers have a good deal to say about
"vikins" in connexion thare with. Not knowings what that air, and so I
frankly tells you, my noble lord dook of the throne, I can't zackly say
whether we hab 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I
never injoyed myself better in my life.
Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin' uses,
Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good meal in New York,
& cheap to. You can git half a mackril at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason
Dory's for six dollars, and biled pertaters throw'd in.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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