The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The unbelievers didn't exactly know what to think about it.
The candles were extinguished again, and pretty soon Miss Davenport
told George to "don't." She spoke in an affrighted tone. The
candles were lit, and she was discovered sitting on the table--hands
and feet tied as before, and herself tied to the chair withal. The
lights were again blown out, there were sounds as if some one was
lifting her from the table; the candles were relit, and she was seen
sitting in the chair on the floor again. No one had been near her
from the audience. Again the lights were extinguished, and
presently the medium said her feet were wet. It appeared that the
mischievous spirit of one Biddie, an Irish Miss who died when twelve
years old, had kicked over the water-pail. Miss Eighme took a seat
at the table, and the same mischievous Biddie scissored off a liberal
lock of her hair. There was the hair, and it had indisputably just
been taken from Miss Eighme's head, and her hands and feet, like
those of Miss D., were securely tied. Other things of a staggering
character to the sceptic were done during the evening.
1.43. MR. BLOWHARD.
The reader has probably met Mr. Blowhard. He is usually round. You
find him in all public places. He is particularly "numerous" at
shows. Knows all the actors intimately. Went to school with some
of 'em. Knows how much they get a month to a cent, and how much
liquor they can hold to a teaspoonful. He knows Ned Forrest like a
book. Has taken sundry drinks with Ned. Ned likes him much. Is
well acquainted with a certain actress. Could have married her just
as easy as not if he had wanted to. Didn't like her "style," and so
concluded not to marry her. Knows Dan Rice well. Knows all of his
men and horses. Is on terms of affectionate intimacy with Dan's
rhinoceros, and is tolerably well acquainted with the performing
elephant. We encountered Mr. Blowhard at the circus yesterday. He
was entertaining those near him with a full account of the whole
institution, men, boys, horses, "muils" and all. He said the
rhinoceros was perfectly harmless, as his teeth had all been taken
out in infancy. Besides, the rhinoceros was under the influence of
opium while he was in the ring, which entirely prevented his
injuring anybody. No danger whatever. In due course of time the
amiable beast was led into the ring. When the cord was taken from
his nose, he turned suddenly and manifested a slight desire to run
violently in among some boys who were seated near the musicians.
The keeper, with the assistance of one of the Bedouin Arabs, soon
induced him to change his mind, and got him in the middle of the
ring. The pleasant quadruped had no sooner arrived here than he
hastily started, with a melodious bellow, towards the seats on one
of which sat Mr. Blowhard. Each particular hair on Mr. Blowhard's
head stood up "like squills upon the speckled porkupine" (Shakspeare
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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