The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Feller Sitterzens: I am in the Sheer & Yeller leaf. I shall
peg out 1 of these dase. But while I do stop here I shall stay
in the Union. I know not what the supervizers of Baldinsville
may conclude to do, but for one, I shall stand by the Stars &
Stripes. Under no circumstances whatsomever will I sesesh.
Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let Palmetter flags flote
thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close line, still will I
stick to the good old flag. The country may go to the devil,
but I won't! And next Summer when I start out on my campane
with my Show, wharever I pitch my little tent, you shall see
floatin prowdly from the center pole thereof the Amerikan Flag,
with nary a star wiped out, nary a stripe less, but the same
old flag that has allers flotid thar! & the price of admishun
will be the same it allers was--15 cents, children half price.
Feller Sitterzens, I am dun. Accordinly I squatted.
1.13. WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKESPEARE.
ONTO THE WING--1859.
Mr. Editor.
I take my Pen in hand to inform yu that I'm in good helth and
trust these few lines will find yu injoyin the same blessins.
I wood also state that I'm now on the summir kampane. As the
Poit sez--
ime erflote, ime erflote
On the Swift rollin tied
An the Rovir is free.
Bizness is scacely middlin, but Sirs I manige to pay for my
foode and raiment puncktooally and without no grumblin. The
barked arrers of slandur has bin leviled at the undersined
moren onct sins heze bin into the show bizness, but I make bold
to say no man on this footstule kan troothfully say I ever
ronged him or eny of his folks. I'm travelin with a tent,
which is better nor hirin hauls. My show konsists of a serious
of wax works, snakes, a paneramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of
the War in the Crymear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which
larst little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most
outrajus stile. I started out with the idear of makin my show
a grate Moral Entertainment, but I'm kompeled to sware so much
at that air infurnal Kangeroo that I'm frade this desine will
be flustratid to some extent. And while speakin of morrality,
remines me that sum folks turn up their nosis at shows like
mine, sayin they is low and not fit to be patrernized by
peplpeple of high degree. Sirs, I manetane that this is
infernul nonsense. I manetane that wax figgers is more
elevatin than awl the plays ever wroten. Take Shakespeer for
instunse. Peple think heze grate things, but I kontend heze
quite the reverse to the kontrary. What sort of sense is thare
to King Leer, who goze round cussin his darters, chawin hay and
throin straw at folks, and larfin like a silly old koot and
makin a ass of hisself ginerally? Thare's Mrs. Mackbeth--sheze
a nise kind of woomon to have round ain't she, a puttin old
Mack, her husband, up to slayin Dunkan with a cheeze knife,
while heze payin a frendly visit to their house. O its hily
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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