The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
morral, I spoze, when she larfs wildly and sez, "gin me the
daggurs--Ile let his bowels out," or wurds to that effeck--I
say, this is awl, strickly, propper I spoze? That Jack
Fawlstarf is likewise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may,
and Hamlick is as crazy as a loon. Thare's Richurd the Three,
peple think heze grate things, but I look upon him in the lite
of a monkster. He kills everybody he takes a noshun to in kold
blud, and then goze to sleep in his tent. Bimeby he wakes up
and yells for a hoss so he kan go orf and kill some more peple.
If he isent a fit spesserman for the gallers then I shood like
to know whare you find um. Thare's Iargo who is more ornery
nor pizun. See how shameful he treated that hily respecterble
injun gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him for to beleeve his
wife was too thick with Casheo. Obsarve how Iargo got Casheo
drunk as a biled owl on corn whiskey in order to karry out his
sneekin desines. See how he wurks Mister Otheller's feelins up
so that he goze and makes poor Desdemony swaller a piller which
cawses her deth. But I must stop. At sum futur time I shall
continner my remarks on the drammer in which I shall show the
varst supeeriority of wax figgers and snakes over theater
plays, in a interlectooal pint of view.
Very Respectively yures,
A WARD, T.K.
1.14. AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. (Some queer people, calling
themselves "Free Lovers," and possessing very original ideas
about life and morality, established themselves at Berlin
Heights, in Ohio, a few years since. Public opinion was
resistlessly against them, however, and the association was
soon disbanded.)
Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled my banner to the
breeze, in Berlin Hites, Ohio. I had hearn that Berlin Hites
was ockepied by a extensive seck called Free Lovers, who
beleeved in affinertys and sich, goin back on their domestic
ties without no hesitation whatsomever. They was likewise
spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral
principles. If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by
showin them my onparalleld show at the usual low price of
admitants, methunk, I shell not hav lived in vane. But
bitterly did I cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid
place. I sot up my tent in a field near the Love Cure, as they
called it, and bimeby the free lovers begun for to congregate
around the door. A onreer set I have never sawn. The men's
faces was all covered with hare and they lookt half-starved to
deth. They didn't wear no weskuts for the purpose (as they
sed) of allowin the free air of hevun to blow onto their
boozums. Their pockets was filled with tracks and pamplits and
they was bare-footed. They sed the Postles didn't wear boots,
& why should they? That was their stile of argyment. The
wimin was wuss than the men. They wore trowsis, short gownds,
straw hats with green ribbins, and all carried bloo cotton
umbrellers.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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