The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
We have heard of some very hard cases since we have enlivened this
world with our brilliant presence. We once saw an able-bodied man
chase a party of little school-children and rob them of their
dinners. The man who stole the coppers from his deceased
grandmother's eyes lived in our neighborhood, and we have read about
the man who went to church for the sole purpose of stealing the
testaments and hymn-books. But the hardest case we ever heard of
lived in Arkansas. He was only fourteen years old. One night he
deliberately murdered his father and mother in cold blood, with a
meat-axe. He was tried and found guilty. The Judge drew on his
black cap, and in a voice choked with emotion asked the young
prisoner if he had anything to say before the sentence of the Court
was passed on him. The court-room was densely crowded and there was
not a dry eye in the vast assembly. The youth of the prisoner, his
beauty and innocent looks, the mild, lamblike manner in which he had
conducted himself during the trial--all, all had thoroughly enlisted
the sympathy of the spectators, the ladies in particular. And even
the Jury, who had found it to be their stern duty to declare him
guilty of the appalling crime--even the Jury now wept aloud at this
awful moment.
"Have you anything to say?" repeated the deeply moved Judge.
"Why, no," replied the prisoner, "I think I haven't, though I hope
yer Honor will show some consideration FOR THE FEELINGS OF A POOR
ORPHAN!"
The Judge sentenced the perfect young wretch without delay.
1.36. AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN.
It isn't every one who has a village green to write about. I have
one, although I have not seen much of it for some years past. I am
back again, now. In the language of the duke who went around with a
motto about him, "I am here!" and I fancy I am about as happy a
peasant of the vale as ever garnished a melodrama, although I have
not as yet danced on my village green, as the melodramatic peasant
usually does on his. It was the case when Rosina Meadows left home.
The time rolls by serenely now--so serenely that I don't care what
time it is, which is fortunate, because my watch is at present in
the hands of those "men of New York who are called rioters." We met
by chance, the usual way--certainly not by appointment--and I
brought the interview to a close with all possible despatch.
Assuring them that I wasn't Mr. Greeley, particularly, and that he
had never boarded in the private family where I enjoy the comforts
of a home, I tendered them my watch, and begged they would
distribute it judiciously among the laboring classes, as I had seen
the rioters styled in certain public prints.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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