The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Why should I loiter feverishly in Broadway, stabbing the hissing hot
air with the splendid gold-headed cane that was presented to me by
the citizens of Waukegan, Illinois, as a slight testimonial of their
esteem? Why broil in my rooms? You said to me, Mrs. Gloverson,
when I took possession of these rooms, that no matter how warm it
might be, a breeze had a way of blowing into them, and that they
were, withal, quite countryfied; but I am bound to say, Mrs.
Gloverson, that there was nothing about them that ever reminded me,
in the remotest degree, of daisies or new-mown hay. Thus, with
sarcasm, do I smash the deceptive Gloverson.
Why stay in New York when I had a village green? I gave it up, the
same as I would an intricate conundrum--and, in short, I am here.
Do I miss the glare and crash of the imperial thoroughfare? The
milkman, the fiery, untamed omnibus horses, the soda fountains,
Central Park, and those things? Yes I do; and I can go on missing
'em for quite a spell, and enjoy it.
The village from which I write to you is small. It does not contain
over forty houses, all told; but they are milk-white, with the
greenest of blinds, and for the most part are shaded with beautiful
elms and willows. To the right of us is a mountain--to the left a
lake. The village nestles between. Of course it does, I never read
a novel in my life in which the villages didn't nestle. Villages
invariably nestle. It is a kind of way they have.
We are away from the cars. The iron-horse, as my little sister
aptly remarks in her composition On Nature, is never heard to shriek
in our midst; and on the whole I am glad of it.
The villagers are kindly people. They are rather incoherent on the
subject of the war, but not more so, perhaps, then are people
elsewhere. One citizen, who used to sustain a good character,
subscribed for the Weekly New York Herald a few months since, and
went to studying the military maps in that well-known journal for
the fireside. I need not inform you that his intellect now totters,
and he has mortgaged his farm. In a literary point of view we are
rather bloodthirsty. A pamphlet edition of the life of a cheerful
being, who slaughtered his wife and child, and then finished
himself, is having an extensive sale just now.
We know little of Honore de Balzac, and perhaps care less for Victor
Hugo. M. Claes's grand search for the Absolute doesn't thrill us in
the least; and Jean Valjean, gloomily picking his way through the
sewers of Paris, with the spooney young man of the name of Marius
upon his back, awakens no interest in our breasts. I say Jean
Valjean picked his way gloomily, and I repeat it. No man, under
these circumstances, could have skipped gayly. But this literary
business, as the gentleman who married his colored chambermaid aptly
observed, "is simply a matter of taste."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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