The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Meeting opens with an old-fashioned hymn, which is very well sung
indeed by the congregation. Then the minister reads a hymn, which
is sung by the choir on the front seats near the pulpit. Then the
minister prays. He hopes no one has been attracted there by idle
curiosity--to see or be seen--and you naturally conclude that he is
gently hitting you. Another hymn follows the prayer, and then we
have the discourse, which certainly has the merit of peculiarity and
boldness. The minister's name is Jones. He don't mince matters at
all. He talks about the "flames of hell" with a confident
fierceness that must be quite refreshing to sinners.
"There's no half-way about this," says he, "no by-paths.
"There are in Cleveland lots of men who go to church regularly, who
behave well in meeting, and who pay their bills.
"They ain't Christians though.
"They're gentlemen sinners.
"And whar d'ye spose they'll fetch up?
"I'll tell ye--they'll fetch him up in h--ll, and they'll come up
standing too--there's where they'll fetch up.
"Who's my backer?
"Have I got a backer?
"Whar's my backer?
"This is my backer (striking the Bible before him)--the Bible will
back me to any amount!"
To still further convince his hearers that he was in earnest, he
exclaimed, "That's me--that's Jones!"
He alluded to Eve in terms of bitter censure. It was natural that
Adam should have been mad at her. "I shouldn't want a woman that
wouldn't mind me, myself," said the speaker.
He directed his attention to dancing, declaring it to be a great
sin. Whar there's dancing there's fiddling--whar there's fiddling
there's unrighteousness, and unrighteousness is wickedness, and
wickedness is sin! That's me--that's Jones."
Bosom the speaker invariably called "buzzim," and devil "debil,"
with a fearfully strong accent on the "il."
1.42. SPIRITS.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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