The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
We air progressin pretty well with our drill. As all air
commandin offissers, there ain't no jelusy, and as we air all
exceedin smart, it t'aint worth while to try to outstrip each
other. The idee of a company composed excloosively of
Commanders-in-Chiefs, orriggernated, I spose I skurcely need
say, in these Brane. Considered AS a idee, I flatter myself
it is putty hefty. We've got all the tackticks at our tongs'
ends, but what we particly excel in is restin muskits. We can
rest muskits with anybody.
Our corpse will do its dooty. We go to the aid of Columby--we
fight for the stars!
We'll be chopt into sassige meat before we'll exhibit our
cote-tales to the foe.
We'll fight till there's nothin left of us but our little toes
and even they shall defiantly wiggle!
"Ever of thee,"
A. Ward.
2.5. A WAR MEETING.
Our complaint just now is war meetin's. They've bin havin 'em
bad in varis parts of our cheerful Republic, and nat'rally we
caught 'em here in Baldinsville. They broke out all over us.
They're better attended than the Eclipse was.
I remember how people poured into our town last Spring to see
the Eclipse. They labored into a impression that they
couldn't see it to home, and so they cum up to our place. I
cleared a very handsome amount of money by exhibitin' the
Eclipse to 'em, in an open-top tent. But the crowds is bigger
now. Posey County is aroused. I may say, indeed, that the
pra-hay-ories of Injianny is on fire.
Our big meetin' came off the other night, and our old friend
of the "Bugle" was elected Cheerman.
The "Bugle-Horn of Liberty" is one of Baldinsville's most
eminentest institootions. The advertisements are well-
written, and the deaths and marriages are conducted with
signal ability. The editor, MR. SLINKERS, is a polish'd,
skarcastic writer. Folks in these parts will not soon forgit
how he used up the "Eagle of Freedom," a family journal
published at Snootville, near here. The controversy was about
a plank road. "The road may be, as our cotemporary says, a
humbug; but OUR aunt isn't bald-heded, and WE haven't got a
one-eyed sister Sal! Wonder if the Editor of the "Eagle of
Freedom" sees it?" This used up the "Eagle of Freedom"
feller, because his aunt's head does present a skinn'd
appearance, and his sister SARAH is very much one-eyed. For a
genteel home-thrust, MR. SLINKERS has few ekals. He is a man
of great pluck likewise. He has a fierce nostril, and I
believe upon my soul that if it wasn't absolootly necessary
for him to remain here and announce in his paper, from week to
week, that "our Gov'ment is about to take vig'rous measures to
put down the rebellion"--I b'lieve, upon my soul, this
illustris man would enlist as a Brigadier Gin'ral, and git his
Bounty.
. . . .
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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