The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
FRIEND WALES,--You remember me. I saw you in Canady a few
years ago. I remember you too. I seldim forget a person.
I hearn of your marriage to the Printcis Alexandry, & ment ter
writ you a congratoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin
bildin a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write
letters to folks. Excoose me.
Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body
politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sometimes
think it has got biles, friend Wales.
In my country we've got war, while your country, in
conjunktion with Cap'n Sems of the "Alobarmy," manetanes a
nootral position!
I'm afraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it. Oh no, I
guess not!
Yes, Sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make
sacrifisses, you bet.
I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, & I stand reddy
to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin
krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud
my able-bodied relations has got to prosekoot the war. I
think sumbody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be the
war as any body else. When I git a goakin fit onto me it's no
use to try ter stop me.
You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It caused
sum squirmin', but it was fairly conducted, I think, for it
hit all classes. It is troo that Wendill Phillips, who is a
American citizen of African scent, 'scaped, but so did
Vallandiggum, who is Conservativ, and who wus resuntly sent
South, tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe
had 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him.
We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a
female sewin' circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we
wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted.
One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because he was
the only son of a widow'd mother who supported him. A few
able-bodid dead men was drafted, but whether their heirs will
have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em is a question
for Whitin', who 'pears to be tinkerin' up this draft bizniss
right smart. I hope he makes good wages.
I think most of the conscrips in this place will go. A few
will go to Canady, stopping on their way at Concord, N.H.,
where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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