The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
My wife is 52 years old, and has allus sustained a good
character. She's a good cook. Her mother lived to a
vener'ble age, and died while in the act of frying slapjacks
for the County Commissioners. And may no rood hand pluk a
flour from her toomstun! We hain't got any picter of the old
lady, because she'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and
therefore I can't giv her likeness to the world through the
meejum of the illusterated papers; but as she wasn't a
brigadier-gin'ral, particlerly, I don't s'pose they'd publish
it, any how.
It's best to give a woman considerable lee-way. But not too
much. A naber of mine, Mr. Roofus Minkins, was once very sick
with the fever, but his wife moved his bed into the door-yard
while she was cleanin' house. I toald Roofus this wasn't the
thing, 'specially as it was rainin' vi'lently; but he said he
wanted to giv his wife "a little lee-way." That was 2 mutch.
I told Mrs. Minkins that her Roofus would die if he staid out
there into the rain much longer; when she said, "It shan't be
my fault if he dies unprepared," at the same time tossin' him
his mother's Bible. It was orful! I stood by, however, and
nussed him as well's I could, but I was a putty wet-nuss, I
tell you.
There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the
best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she
wants to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it
works like a charm.
Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales, and good luck to you both!
And as years roll by, and accidents begin to happen to you--
among which I hope there'll be Twins--you will agree with me
that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any
certinty of winnin'.
It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery
pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a year as
a cab'net offisser does, & I understand my business a good
deal better than some of them do.
Respecks to St. George & the Dragon.
Ever be 'appy.
A. Ward.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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