The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: WarWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire
crackers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal
in a dramatic pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it. I had
other adventers of a startlin kind, but why continner? Why
lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things? Suffysit
to say I got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last. I made
tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for life
failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before
her, the gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her
only a few months afore. But I went into the pantry, and
brought out a certin black bottle. Raisin it to my lips, I
sed "Here's to you, old gal!" I did it so natral that she
knowed me at once. "Those form! Them voice! That natral
stile of doin things! 'Tis he!" she cried, and rushed into my
arms. It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon. I cum
very near swoundin myself.
No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union,
and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present
bad fix.
2.3. FOURTH OF JULY ORATION.
Delivered July 4th, at Weathersfield, Connecticut, 1859.
[I delivered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and
discriminating awjince. I was 96 minits passin a givin pint.
I have revised the orashun, and added sum things which makes
it approposser to the times than it otherwise would be. I
have also corrected the grammers and punktooated it. I do my
own punktooatin now days. The Printers in "Vanity Fair"
offiss can't punktooate worth a cent.]
FELLER CITIZENS: I've bin honored with a invite to norate
before you to-day; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to
the task, I'm sure you will believe me.
Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and
patritism the world over, and to be axed to paws and address
you on this my fust perfeshernal tower threw New Englan,
causes me to feel--to feel--I may say it causes me to FEEL.
(Grate applaws. They thought this was one of my
eccentricities, while the fact is I was stuck. This between
you and I.)
I'm a plane man. I don't know nothin about no ded languages
and am a little shaky on livin ones. There4, expect no flowry
talk from me. What I shall say will be to the pint, right
strate out.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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