The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and RomancesWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Reuben Pettingill was extremely industrious.
He worked hard all the year round on his father's little farm.
Right he was!
Industry is a very fine thing.
It is one of the finest things of which we have any knowledge.
Yet do not frown, "do not weep for me," when I state that I don't
like it.
It doesn't agree with me.
I prefer indolence.
I am happiest when I am idle.
I could live for months without performing any kind of labour,
and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and
vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more
months.
This should not surprise you.
Nothing that a modern novelist does should excite astonishment in
any well-regulated mind.
IV.--INDEPENDENCE DAY.
The 4th of July is always celebrated in America with guns, and
processions, and banners, and all those things.
You know why we celebrate this day.
The American Revolution, in 1775, was perhaps one of the finest
revolutions that was ever seen. But I have not time to give you
a full history of the American Revolution. It would consume
years to do it, and I might weary you.
One 4th of July Reuben Pettingill went to Boston.
He saw great sights.
He saw the dense throng of people, the gay volunteers, the
banners, and, above all, he saw the fireworks.
I despise myself for using so low a word, but the fireworks
"licked" him.
A new world was opened to this young man.
He returned to his parents and the little farm among the hills,
with his heart full of fireworks.
He said, "I will make some myself."
He said this while eating a lobster on top of the coach.
He was an extraordinary skilful young man in the use of a common
clasp-knife.
With that simple weapon he could make, from soft wood, horses,
dogs, cats, etc. He carved excellent soldiers also.
I remember his masterpiece.
It was "Napoleon crossing the Alps."
Looking at it critically, I should say it was rather short of
Alps.
An Alp or two more would have improved it; but, as a whole, it
was a wonderful piece of work; and what a wonderful piece of work
is a wooden man, when his legs and arms are all right.
V.--WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAID.
He said, "I can make just as good fireworks as them in Boston."
"Them" was not grammatical, but why care for grammar as long as
we are good?
VI.--THE FATHER'S TEARS.
Pettingill neglected the farm.
He said that it might till itself--he should manufacture some
gorgeous fireworks, and exhibit them on the village green on the
next 4th of July.
He said the Eagle of Fame would flap his wings over their humble
roof ere many months should pass away.
"If he does," said old Mr. Pettingill, "we must shoot him and
bile him, and eat him, because we shall be rather short of meat,
my son, if you go on in this lazy way."
And the old man wept.
He shed over 120 gallons of tears.
That is to say, a puncheon. But by all means let us avoid
turning this romance into a farce.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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