The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and RomancesWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
He sent Smith a challenge, couched in language so scathingly hot
that it burnt holes through the paper, and when it reached Smith
it was riddled like an old-fashioned milk-strainer. No notice
was taken of the challenge, and Culkins' wrath became absolutely
terrific. He wrote handbills, which he endeavoured to have
printed, posting Smith as a coward. He wrote a communication for
the "New Herald," explaining the whole matter. (This wasn't very
rich, we expect.) He urged us to publish his challenge to Smith.
Somebody told him that Smith was intending to flee the city in
fear on an afternoon train, and Culkins proceeded to the depot,
horsewhip in hand, to lie in wait for him. This was Saturday
last. During the afternoon Smith concluded to accept the
challenge. Seconds and a surgeon were selected, and we are
mortified to state that at 10 o'clock in the evening Scanton's
Bottom was desecrated with a regular duel. The frantic glee of
Culkins when he learned his challenge had been accepted can't be
described. Our pen can't do it--a pig-pen couldn't. He wrote a
long letter to his uncle in New York, and to his father in
Connaught. At about ten o'clock the party proceeded to the
field. The moon was not up, the darkness was dense, the ground
was unpleasantly moist, and the lights of the town, which gleamed
in the distance, only made the scene more desolate and dreary.
The ground was paced off and the men arranged. While this was
being done, the surgeon, by the light of a dark lantern, arranged
his instruments, which consisted of 1 common hand-saw, 1 hatchet,
1 butcher knife, a large variety of smaller knives, and a small
mountain of old rag. Neither of the principals exhibited any
fear. Culkins insisted that, as the challenging party, he had
the right to the word fire. This, after a bitter discussion, was
granted. He urged his seconds to place him facing towards the
town, so that the lights would be in his favour. This was done
without any trouble, the immense benefits of that position not
being discovered by Smith's second.
"If I fall," said Culkins to his second, "see me respectably
buried and forward bill to Connaught. Believe me, it will be
cashed." The arms (horse-pistols) were given to the men, and one
of Culkins's seconds said:
"Gentlemen, are you ready?"
SMITH:--Ready.
CULKINS:--Ready. The blood of the Culkinses is aroused!
SECOND:--One, Two, Three--fire!
Culkins's pistol didn't go off. Smith didn't fire.
"That was generous in Smith not to fire," said a second.
"It was inDADE," said Culkins; "I did not think it of the
low-lived scoundrel!"
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