The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and RomancesWard, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 3: Stories and Romances
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"Dearest ones," he said, "I am singularly sad at heart, this
morning; but do not let this depress you. The journey is a
perilous one, but--pshaw! I have always come back safely
heretofore, and why should I fear? Besides, I know that every
night, as I lay down on the broad starlit prairie, your bright
faces will come to me in my dreams, and make my slumbers sweet
and gentle. You, Emily, with your mild blue eyes; and you,
Henrietta, with your splendid black hair; and you, Nelly, with
your hair so brightly, beautifully golden; and you, Mollie, with
your cheeks so downy; and you, Betsy, with your wine-red lips--
far more delicious, though, than any wine I ever tasted--and you,
Maria, with your winsome voice; and you, Susan, with your--with
your--that is to say, Susan, with your--and the other thirteen of
you, each so good and beautiful, will come to me in sweet dreams,
will you not, Dearestists?"
"Our own," they lovingly chimed, "we will!"
"And so farewell!" said Reginald. "Come to my arms, my own!" he
cried, "that is, as many of you as can do it conveniently at
once, for I must away."
He folded several of them to his throbbing breast, and drove
sadly away.
. . . .
But he had not gone far when the trace of the off-hind mule
became unhitched. Dismounting, he essayed to adjust the trace;
but ere he had fairly commenced the task, the mule, a singularly
refractory animal--snorted wildly, and kicked Reginald
frightfully in the stomach. He arose with difficulty, and
tottered feebly towards his mother's house, which was near by,
falling dead in her yard, with the remark, "Dear Mother, I've
come home to die!"
"So I see," she said; "where's the mules?"
Alas! Reginald Gloverson could give no answer. In vain the
heart-stricken mother threw herself upon his inanimate form,
crying, "Oh, my son--my son! Only tell me where the mules are,
and then you may die if you want to."
In vain--in vain! Reginald had passed on.
CHAPTER II.--FUNERAL TRAPPINGS.
The mules were never found.
Reginald's heart-broken mother took the body home to her
unfortunate son's widows. But before her arrival she
indiscreetly sent a boy to Bust the news gently to the afflicted
wives, which he did by informing them in a hoarse whisper that
their "old man had gone in."
The wives felt very badly indeed.
"He was devoted to me," sobbed Emily.
"And to me," said Maria.
"Yes," said Emily, "he thought considerably of you, but not so
much as he did of me."
"I say he did!"
"And I say he didn't!"
"He did!"
"He didn't!"
"Don't look at ME, with your squint eyes!"
"Don't shake your red head at ME!"
"Sisters!" said the black-haired Henrietta, "cease this unseemly
wrangling. I, as his first wife, shall strew flowers on his
grave."
"No you WON'T," said Susan. "I, as his last wife, shall strew
flowers on his grave. It's MY business to strew!"
"You shan't, so there!" said Henrietta.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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