The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I intrust my bag to a speckled native, who confidentially gives me
to understand that he is the only strictly honest person in
Aspinwall. The rest, he says, are niggers--which the colored
people of the Isthmus regard as about as scathing a thing as they
can say of one another.
I examine the New Grenadian flag, which waves from the
chamber-window of the refreshment saloon. It is of simple design.
You can make one.
Take half of a cotton shirt, that has been worn two months, and dip
it in molasses of the Day & Martin brand. Then let the flies
gambol over it for a few days, and you have it. It is an emblem of
Sweet Liberty.
At the Howard House the man of sin rubbeth the hair of the horse to
the bowels of the cat, and our girls are waving their lily-white
hoofs in the dazzling waltz.
We have a quadrille, in which an English person slips up and jams
his massive brow against my stomach. He apologizes, and I say,
"all right, my lord." I subsequently ascertained that he
superintended the shipping of coals for the British steamers, and
owned fighting cocks.
The ball stops suddenly.
Great excitement. One of our passengers intoxicated and riotous in
the street. Openly and avowedly desires the entire Republic of New
Grenada to "come on."
In case they do come on, agrees to make it lively for them. Is
quieted down at last, and marched off to prison, by a squad of
Grenadian troops. Is musical as he passes the hotel, and smiling
sweetly upon the ladies and children on the balcony, expresses a
distinct desire to be an Angel, and with the Angels stand. After
which he leaps nimbly into the air and imitates the war-cry of the
red man.
. . . .
The natives amass wealth by carrying valises, &c., then squander it
for liquor. My native comes to me as I sit on the veranda of the
Howard House smoking a cigar, and solicits the job of taking my
things to the cars next morning. He is intoxicated, and has been
fighting, to the palpable detriment of his wearing apparel; for he
has only a pair of tattered pantaloons and a very small quantity of
shirt left.
We go to bed. Eight of us are assigned to a small den upstairs,
with only two lame apologies for beds.
Mosquitoes and even rats annoy us fearfully. One bold rat gnaws at
the feet of a young Englishman in the party. This was more than
the young Englishman could stand, and rising from his bed he asked
us if New Grenada wasn't a Republic? We said it was. "I thought
so," he said. "Of course I mean no disrespect to the United States
of America in the remark, but I think I prefer a bloated monarchy!"
He smiled sadly--then handing his purse and his mother's photograph
to another English person, he whispered softly. "If I am eaten up,
give them to Me mother--tell her I died like a true Briton, with no
faith whatever in the success of a republican form of government!"
And then he crept back to bed again.
. . . .
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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