The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I had a man pointed out to me who married an entire family. He had
originally intended to marry Jane, but Jane did not want to leave
her widowed mother. The other three sisters were not in the
matrimonial market for the same reason; so this gallant man married
the whole crowd, including the girl's grandmother, who had lost all
her teeth, and had to be fed with a spoon. The family were in
indigent circumstances, and they could not but congratulate
themselves on securing a wealthy husband. It seemed to affect the
grandmother deeply, for the first words she said on reaching her
new home were: "Now, thank God! I shall have my gruel reg'lar!"
The name of Joseph Smith is worshipped in Utah; and, "they say,"
that although he had been dead a good many years, he still keeps on
marrying women by proxy. He "reveals" who shall act as his earthly
agent in this matter, and the agent faithfully executes the defunct
Prophet's commands.
A few years ago I read about a couple being married by telegraph--
the young man was in Cincinatti and the young woman was in New
Hampshire. They did not see each other for a year afterwards. I
don't see what fun there is in this sort of thing.
I have somewhere stated that Brigham Young is said to have eighty
wives. I hardly think he has so many. Mr. Hyde, the backslider,
says in his book that "Brigham always sleeps by himself, in a
little chamber behind his office;" and if he has eighty wives I
don't blame him. He must be bewildered. I know very well that if
I had eighty wives of my bosom I should be confused, and shouldn't
sleep anywhere. I undertook to count the long stockings, on the
clothes-line, in his back yard one day, and I used up the
multiplication table in less than half an hour. It made me dizzy--
it did!
In this book I am writing chiefly of what I saw. I saw plurality
at its best. I have shown the silver lining of this great social
cloud. That back of this silver lining the cloud must be thick and
black, I feel quite sure. But to elaborately denounce, at this
late day, a system we all know must be wildly wrong, would be
simply to impeach the intelligence of the readers of this book.
4.18. THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH.
I have not troubled the reader with extracts from Mormon documents.
The Book of Mormon is ponderous, but gloomy, and at times
incoherent; and I will not, by any means, quote from that. But the
Revelation of Joseph Smith in regard to the absorbing question of
plurality or polygamy may be of sufficient interest to reproduce
here. The reader has my full consent to form his own opinion of
it:--
REVELATION GIVEN TO JOSEPH SMITH, NAUVOO, JULY, 12, 1843.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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