The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 5: The London Punch Letters — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 5: The London Punch LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 5: The London Punch Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
One day I whacked this leopard more than ushil, which elissited a
remonstrance from a tall gentleman in spectacles, who said, "My
good man, do not beat the poor caged animal. Rather fondle him."
"I'll fondle him with a club," I anserd, hitting him another
whack.
"I prythy desist," said the gentleman; "stand aside, and see the
effeck of kindness. I understand the idiosyncracies of these
creeturs better than you do."
With that he went up to the cage, and thrustin his face in
between the iron bars, he said, soothinly, "Come hither, pretty
creetur."
The pretty creetur come-hithered rayther speedy, and seized the
gentleman by the whiskers, which he tore off about enuff to stuff
a small cushion with.
He said, "You vagabone, I'll have you indicted for exhibitin
dangerous and immoral animals."
I replied, "Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't a
beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em. You mustn't meddle
with their idiotsyncracies."
The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and he wrote a article for
a paper, in which he said my entertainment was a decided failure.
As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do interesting things, but
they're onreliable. I had a very large grizzly bear once, who
would dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head in grief,
and give a mournful wale, etsetry. But he often annoyed me. It
will be remembered that on the occasion of the first battle of
Bull Run, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral soldiers that they
had business in Washington which ought not to be neglected, and
they all started for that beautiful and romantic city,
maintaining a rate of speed durin the entire distance that would
have done credit to the celebrated French steed "Gladiateur."
Very nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this defeat;
and I said to my Bear, shortly after, as I was givin a exhibition
in Ohio--I said, "Brewin, are you not sorry the National arms has
sustained a defeat?" His business was to wale dismal, and bow
his head down, the band (a barrel organ and a wiolin) playin slow
and melancholly moosic. What did the grizzly old cuss do,
however, but commence darncin and larfin in the most joyous
manner? I had a narrer escape from being imprisoned for
disloyalty.
I will relate another incident in the career of this retchid
Bear. I used to present what I called in the bills a Beautiful
living Pictur--showing the Bear's fondness for his Master: in
which I'd lay down on a piece of carpeting, and the Bear would
come and lay down beside me, restin his right paw on my breast,
the Band playing "Home, Sweet Home," very soft and slow. Altho'
I say it, it was a tuchin thing to see. I've seen Tax-Collectors
weep over that performance.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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