The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 6: Artemus Ward's PanoramaWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 6: Artemus Ward's Panorama
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
The East Side of Main Street--Salt Lake City--with a view of
the Council Building--The legislature of Utah meets there.
It is like all legislative bodies. They meet this winter to
repeal the laws which they met and made last winter--and
they will meet next winter to repeal the laws which they met
and made this winter.
I dislike to speak about it--but it was in Utah that I made
the great speech of my life. I wish you could have heard
it. I have a fine education. You may have noticed it. I
speak six different languages--London--Chatham--and Dover--
Margate--Brighton--and Hastings. My parents sold a cow--
and sent me to college when I was quite young. During the
vacation I used to teach a school of whales--and there's
where I learned to spout.--I don't expect applause for a
little thing like that. I wish you could have heard that
speech--however. If Cicero--he's dead now--he has gone
from us--but if old Ciss (Here again no description can
adequately inform the reader of the drollery which
characterized the lecturer. His reference to Cicero was
made in the most lugubrious manner, as if he really deplored
his death and valued him as a schoolfellow loved and lost.)
could have heard that effort it would have given him the
rinderpest. I'll tell you how it was. There are stationed
in Utah two regiments of U.S. troops--the 21st from
California--and the 37th from Nevada. The 20-onesters asked
me to present a stand of colors to the 37-sters--and I did
it in a speech so abounding in eloquence of a bold and
brilliant character--and also some sweet talk--real pretty
shopkeeping talk--that I worked the enthusiasm of those
soldiers up to such a pitch--that they came very near
shooting me on the spot.
(Picture of) Brigham Young's Harem.--These are the houses of
Brigham Young. The first on the right is the Lion House--so
called because a crouching stone lion adorns the central
front window. The adjoining small building is Brigham
Young's office--and where he receives his visitors.--The
large house in the centre of the picture--which displays a
huge bee-hive--is called the Bee House--the bee-hive is
supposed to be symbolical of the industry of the Mormons.--
Mrs. Brigham Young the first--now quite an old lady--lives
here with her children. None of the other wives of the
prophet live here. In the rear are the schoolhouses where
Brigham Young's children are educated.
Brigham Young has two hundred wives. Just think of that!
Oblige me by thinking of that. That is--he has eighty
actual wives, and he is spiritually married to one hundred
and twenty more. These spiritual marriages--as the Mormons
call them--are contracted with aged widows--who think it a
great honor to be sealed--the Mormons call it being sealed--
to the Prophet.
So we may say he has two hundred wives. He loves not
wisely--but two hundred well. He is dreadfully married.
He's the most married man I ever saw in my life.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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