The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 7: MiscellaneousWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 7: Miscellaneous
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, Piccadilly, W. Jan. 30, 1865.
To Home, April 1866.
The Finians conveened in our town the other night, and took steps
toord freein Ireland. They met into the Town Hall, and by the kind
invite of my naber, Mr. Mulrooney O'Shaughnessy, whose ancestors at
least must have Irish blood in their veins, I went over.
You may not be awair, by the way, that I've been a invalid here to
home for sev'ril weeks. And it's all owin to my own improodens.
Not feelin like eating a full meal when the cars stopt for dinner,
in the South, where I lately was, I went into a Resterater and et 20
hard biled eggs. I think they effected my Liver.
My wife says, Po, po. She says I've got a splendid liver for a man
of my time of life. I've heard of men's livers gradooally wastin'
away till they hadn't none. It's a dreadful thing when a man's
liver gives him the shake.
Two years ago comin this May, I had a 'tack of fever-'n-ager, and by
the advice of Miss Peasley who continues single and is
correspondinly unhappy in the same ratios I consulted a Spiritul
mejum--a writin' mejum. I got a letter from a cel'brated Injin
chief, who writ me, accordin to the mejum, that he'd been ded two
hundred and seventeen (217) years, and liked it. He then said, let
the Pale face drink sum yarb tea. I drinkt it, and it really helpt
me. I've writ to this talented savige this time thro' the same
mejum, but as yet I hain't got any answer. Perhaps he's in a spear
where they haint' got any postage stamps.
But thanks to careful nussin, I'm improvin rapid.
The Town Hall was jam-full of peple, mostly Irish citizens, and the
enthusiasm was immense. They cheer'd everybody and everything.
They cheer'd me.
"Hurroo for Ward! Hurroo!"
They was all good nabers of mine, and I ansered in a pleasant voice,
"All right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen, och hone, aroon, Cooshla
macree!"
These Irish remarks bein' received with great applaus, I added,
"Mushler! mushler!"
"Good! good!" cried Captain Spingler, who desires the Irish vote for
country clerk; "that's fus' rate."
"You see what I'm drivin at, don't you, Cap?" I said.
"Certainly."
"Well," I ansered, "I'm very glad you do, becaus I don't."
This made the Finians larf, and they said, "Walk up onto the
speaker's platform sir."
The speeches was red hot agin England, and hir iron heel, and it was
resolved to free Ireland at onct. But it was much desirable before
freein her that a large quantity of funds should be raised. And,
like the gen'rous souls as they was, funs was lib'rally
contribooted. Then arose a excitin discussion as to which head
center they should send 'em to--O'Mahony or McRoberts. There was
grate excitement over this, but it was finally resolved to send half
to one and half to 'tother.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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