The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 7: Miscellaneous — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 7: MiscellaneousWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 7: Miscellaneous
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Mr. McCool goes and gives the money to his foster-sister, Miss Arrah
Meelish, who is goin to shortly marry Shaun, the Lamp Post. Mac
then alters his mind about goin over to France, and thinks he'll go
up-stairs and lie down in the straw. This is in Arrah's cabin.
Arrah says it's all right, me darlint, och hone, and shure, and
other pop'lar remarks, and Mac goes to his straw.
The wedding of Shaun and Arrah comes off.
Great excitement. Immense demonstration on the part of the
peasantry. Barn-door jigs, and rebelyus song by McHouse, called
"The Drinkin of the Gin." Ha, what is this? Soldiers cum in.
Moosic by the band. "Arrah," sez the Major, "you have those money."
She sez, "Oh no, I guess not." He sez, "Oh yes, I guess you have."
"It is my own," sez she, and exhibits it. "It is mine," says Mr.
Feeny, and identifies it.
Great confusion.
Coat is prodoosed from up-stairs.
"Whose coat is this?" sez the Major. "Is it the coat of a young man
secreted in this here cabin?"
Now this is rough on Shaun. His wife accoosed of theft, the
circumstances bein very much agin her, and also accoosed of havin a
hansum young man hid in her house. But does this bold young
Hibernian forsake her? Not much, he dont. But he takes it all on
himself, sez he is the guilty wretch, and is marcht off to prison.
This is a new idea. It is gin'rally the wife who suffers, in the
play, for her husband; but here's a noble young feller who shuts
both his eyes to the apparent sinfulness of his new young wife, and
takes her right square to his bosom. It was bootiful to me, who
love my wife, and believe in her, and would put on my meetin clothes
and go to the gallus for her cheerfully, ruther than believe she was
capable of taking anybody's money but mine. My marrid friends,
listen to me: If you treat your wives as though' they were perfeck
gentlemen--if you show 'em that you have entire confidence in them--
believe me, they will be troo to you most always.
I was so pleased with this conduct of Shaun that I hollered out,
"Good boy! Come and see me!"
"Silence!" sum people said.
"Put him out!" said a sweet-scented young man, with all his new
clothes on, and in company with a splendid waterfall, "put this old
fellow out!"
"My young friend," said I, in a loud voice, "whose store do you sell
tape in? I might want to buy a yard before I go hum."
Shaun is tried by a Military Commission. Colonel O'Grady, although
a member of the Commission, shows he sympathizes with Shaun, and
twits Feeny, the Gov'ment witness, with being a knock-kneed thief,
&c., &c. Mr. Stanton's grandfather was Sec'y of War in Ireland at
that time, so this was entirely proper.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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