Advice iz like kissing--it don’t kost nothing, and iz a pleazant thing to do. One ov the most diffikult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz. CHIPS. Dont mistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways. “It is one thing tew _take_ the chances, and quite another thing tew _find_ them. “It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller. “Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes. “The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend. “Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce; to the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss. “If you are looking after happiness don’t take the turnpike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty. “Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain’t perfekt without a good deal ov sugar. “Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty. “Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, ya might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork. “A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe. “About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs. “Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (or _sin_) behind him. “He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence. “Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living. “Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark. “Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing happens by acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents. “We should be kerful how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin. “Smiles and tears cum from the same fountain, and az the showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful. “Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the lowly az among the ritch; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts up and down the alley.