Don’t never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it. Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable. Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different. Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust. It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it. Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won’t. Don’t never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu. I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own. He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it. When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale--run before the wind. Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel. I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine. Edukashun that don’t learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards. Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat--the rat iz quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole. Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule--it sets them tew kiking bak. One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts. An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement! Vice in the young fills us with horror--in the old, with disgust. Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain’t a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan “shine em up” a leetle better than enny one else. The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz--_death_. The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it. The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits. Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with. Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting. The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable. The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills. Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob. Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio.