When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that she iz in tune. I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy than principle. Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret good, and they never take enny tew keep. The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer man in community than the one who iz just virtewous enuff not to be suspekted. Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing. Hypockrasy iz alwus humble. Gravity don’t prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, he dont need it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn’t hav it. It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born naked, and it iz no more disgrace. Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth; thare may possibly be for the insolence ov poverty. Dont forget one thing, mi boy--that when five men kall yu a suckcess, and one man kalls yu a failure, that the one man’s testimony iz what fetches the jury. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur; self-prezervashun iz the seckond. Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them at haff price. Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz religion in that way, iz satisfied with a poor artikle. JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. After a series ov unsuckcessfull wanderings thru life, i find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie into the vitals ov Lake Ontario. I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold time for money. For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife’s arm az still az tho I had growed thare, and couldn’t see ennything on account ov the clamor the water made; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov things, and broke out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor. The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles hed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Almighty. The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, which, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it made. I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been at least three thousand square feet. I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry to fall, could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn’t hav time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so.