Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years ago, in the
old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov weather, just after a hard
frost, when grass butter waz skass, while venus was an evening star. An
old ant, who had lost awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the
rhumatiz, and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the
front door ov an aunt hill, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov wheat,
which the yung aunts were trieing tew git down cellar, into their house.
Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, and singing,
“Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me.”--and spieing the old
ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he stopt tew hav a talk with her.
“Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning!” sed the grassbug. “A
fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling in!
“Hav yu heard the grate news?
“Dredfull sharp frost last night!
“Winter will soon set in, i reckon!
“I herd the owls hute last nite!
“Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday!
“When dew yu think specie payments will be took up?
“Thare! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match?
“How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village?
“Enny sickness amungst them?
“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the pissmires,
down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher wages?
“Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the peace?
“What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it make rum enny
skarser?
“Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he iz a mean old
skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace ov bar sope, for sum
beeswax.
“The world iz gitting more full ov wussness every day!
“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, about old
Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and then sum ov hiz dets!
“Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days?
“I should really like tew kno how they are gitting along; rather tuff
times for them i guess, yu don’t think they will winter, do yu?
“When duz the moon change now days?
“Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan reckomend?
“Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer klaims?
“I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this
morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov
sight!
“Sum folks are alwus in sich a swetting hurry!
“Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their webs in the
grass?
“How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up; yu must hav sum tew spare?
“I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow?
“They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, owing to its
peculiar mutchness; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether this iz so or not, i
wish yu could!
“Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, will see
buckwheat a bigg crop!
“I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sherman’s lower
barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good deal on plenty, and they
must git tew work agin!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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