They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in the egg they 've laid; And there are hens, professing to have made A study of mankind, who say that men Whose business is to drive the tongue or pen Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work, and I 'm afraid In this respect they 're really like the hen. Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap, Imperiously pompous, "bloody, bold And resolute"--an awe-inspiring chap! Who'd think this gorgeous hero's only virtue Is that in battle he will never hurt you? G.J. CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 't is true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels--the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. The practice of cannibalism was once universal, as the smallest knowledge of philology will serve to show. "Oblige us," says the erudite author of the Delectatio Demonorum, "by considering the derivation of the word 'sarcophagus,' and see if it be not suggestive of potted meats. Observe the significance of the phrase 'sweet sixteen.' What a world of meaning lurks in the expression 'she's as sweet as a peach,' and how suggestive of luncheon are the words 'tender youth!' A kiss is but a modified bite, and a fond mother, when she rapturously avers that her babe is 'almost good enough to eat,' merely shows that she is herself only a trifle too good to eat it." CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries. CANONICALS, n. The motley worn by Jesters at the Court of Heaven. CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist. The part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons--including all the assassins--entertain grave misgivings. CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mt. Carmel.