What did he know of women, that should make him understand? At his
public school he had seen none to speak to; at Oxford, only this one. At
home in the holidays, not any, save his sister Cicely. The two hobbies
of their guardian, fishing, and the antiquities of his native
county, rendered him averse to society; so that his little Devonshire
manor-house, with its black oak panels and its wild stone-walled park
along the river-side was, from year's end to year's end, innocent of
all petticoats, save those of Cicely and old Miss Tring, the governess.
Then, too, the boy was shy. No, there was nothing in his past, of not
yet quite nineteen years, to go by. He was not of those youths who are
always thinking of conquests. The very idea of conquest seemed to him
vulgar, mean, horrid. There must be many signs indeed before it would
come into his head that a woman was in love with him, especially the one
to whom he looked up, and thought so beautiful. For before all beauty
he was humble, inclined to think himself a clod. It was the part of life
which was always unconsciously sacred, and to be approached trembling.
The more he admired, the more tremulous and diffident he became. And so,
after his one wild moment, when she plucked those sweet-scented blossoms
and dropped them over him, he felt abashed; and walking home beside her
he was quieter than ever, awkward to the depths of his soul.
If there were confusion in his heart which had been innocent of trouble,
what must there have been in hers, that for so long had secretly desired
the dawning of that confusion? And she, too, was very silent.
Passing a church with open door in the outskirts of the village, she
said:
“Don't wait for me—I want to go in here a little.”
In the empty twilight within, one figure, a countrywoman in her black
shawl, was kneeling—marvellously still. He would have liked to stay.
That kneeling figure, the smile of the sunlight filtering through into
the half darkness! He lingered long enough to see Anna, too, go down on
her knees in the stillness. Was she praying? Again he had the turbulent
feeling with which he had watched her pluck those flowers. She looked so
splendid kneeling there! It was caddish to feel like that, when she was
praying, and he turned quickly away into the road. But that sharp, sweet
stinging sensation did not leave him. He shut his eyes to get rid of her
image—and instantly she became ten times more visible, his feeling ten
times stronger. He mounted to the hotel; there on the terrace was his
tutor. And oddly enough, the sight of him at that moment was no more
embarrassing than if it had been the hotel concierge. Stormer did not
somehow seem to count; did not seem to want you to count him. Besides,
he was so old—nearly fifty!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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