Was she ashamed of her little manoeuvres of these last few days—ashamed
of having smiled at the young violinist, of that late return from the
mountain climb, of the flower she had given him, of all the conscious
siege she had laid since the evening her husband came in and sat
watching her, without knowing that she saw him? No; not really ashamed!
Her remorse rose only from the kiss. It hurt to think of that, because
it was death, the final extinction of the mother-feeling in her; the
awakening of—who knew what—in the boy! For if she was mysterious to
him, what was he not to her, with his eagerness, and his dreaminess,
his youthful warmth, his innocence! What if it had killed in him trust,
brushed off the dew, tumbled a star down? Could she forgive herself for
that? Could she bear it if she were to make him like so many other boys,
like that young violinist; just a cynical youth, looking on women as
what they called 'fair game'? But COULD she make him into such—would
he ever grow like that? Oh! surely not; or she would not have loved
him from the moment she first set eyes on him and spoke of him as 'an
angel.'
After that kiss—that crime, if it were one—in the dark she had not known
what he had done, where gone—perhaps wandering, perhaps straight up to
his room. Why had she refrained, left him there, vanished out of his
arms? This she herself hardly understood. Not shame; not fear; reverence
perhaps—for what? For love—for the illusion, the mystery, all that made
love beautiful; for youth, and the poetry of it; just for the sake of
the black still night itself, and the scent of that flower—dark flower
of passion that had won him to her, and that she had stolen back, and
now wore all night long close to her neck, and in the morning placed
withered within her dress. She had been starved so long, and so long
waited for that moment—it was little wonder if she did not clearly know
why she had done just this, and not that!
And now how should she meet him, how first look into his eyes? Would
they have changed? Would they no longer have the straight look she so
loved? It would be for her to lead, to make the future. And she kept
saying to herself: I am not going to be afraid. It is done. I will take
what life offers! Of her husband she did not think at all.
But the first moment she saw the boy, she knew that something from
outside, and untoward, had happened since that kiss. He came up to her,
indeed, but he said nothing, stood trembling all over and handed her
a telegram that contained these words: “Come back at once Wedding
immediate Expect you day after to-morrow. Cicely.” The words grew
indistinct even as she read them, and the boy's face all blurred. Then,
making an effort, she said quietly:
“Of course, you must go. You cannot miss your only sister's wedding.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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