English fiction -- 20th century; English wit and humor; Humorous stories, English; Short stories, English; Sports stories
"Bother is what you say when relations ask you to tell them a story
about a balloon. It means, 'But for the fact that we both have the
Montmorency blood in our veins, I should be compelled to decline your
kind invitation, all the stories I know about balloons being stiff
'uns.' It also means, 'Instead of talking about balloons, won't you
sing me a little song?'"
"Nope," said Margery.
"Bother, she's forgotten her music."
"What did you say, uncle dear, what did you say?"
I sighed and began.
"Once upon a time there was a balloon, a dear little toy balloon,
and--and----"
"What's 'at?" asked Margery, making a dab at my chest. "What's 'at,
uncle dear?"
"That," I said, "is a button. More particularly, a red waistcoat
button. More particularly still, my top red waistcoat button."
"What's _'at_?" she asked, going down one.
"That is a button. _Description_: second, red, waistcoat. _Parents
living_: both. _Injections diseases_: scarlet fever slightly once."
"What's _'at_?"
"That's a--ah, yes, a button. The third. A good little chap, but
not so chubby as his brothers. He couldn't go down to Margate with
them last year, and so, of course---- Well, as I was saying, there
was once a balloon, and----"
"What's 'a-a-at?" said Margery, bending forward suddenly and kissing
it.
"Look here, you've jolly well got to enclose a stamped addressed
envelope with the next question. As a matter of fact, though you
won't believe me, that again is a button."
"What's 'at?" asked Margery, digging at the fifth button.
"Owing to extreme pressure on space," I began.... "Thank you. That
also is a button. Its responsibility is greater than that of its
brethren. The crash may come at any moment. Luckily it has booked
its passage to the---- Where was I? Oh yes--well, this balloon----"
"What's 'at?" said Margery, pointing to the last one.
"I must have written notice of that question. I can't tell you
offhand."
"What's 'at, uncle dear?"
"Well, I don't know, Margie. It looks something like a collar stud,
only somehow you wouldn't expect to find a collar-stud there. Of
course it may have slipped.... Or could it be one of those red
beads, do you think? N-no, no, it isn't a bead.... And it isn't a
raspberry; because this is the wrong week for raspberries. Of course
it might be a---- By Jove, I've got it! It's a button!"
I gave the sort of war-whoop with which one announces these
discoveries, and Margery whooped too.
"A button!" she cried. "A dear little button!" She thought for a
moment. "What's a button?"
This was ridiculous.
"You don't mean to say," I reproached her, "that I've got to tell you
now what a button is? _That_," I added severely, pointing to the top
of my waistcoat, "is a button."
"What's 'at?" said Margery, pointing to the next one.
I looked at her in horror. Then I began to talk very quickly.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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