The Days of My Life: An AutobiographyOliphant, Mrs. (Margaret)
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The Days of My Life: An Autobiography
Oliphant, Mrs. (Margaret)
Oliphant, Mrs. (Margaret), 1828-1897
He came in--he advanced to my side--he stood before me! I turned over a
book nervously--glanced once at him--tried to command my voice to speak,
but could not. Then he sat down beside me on my sofa. I drew away from
him as far as I could, and waited for what he had to say.
"Hester," he said, "this has lasted long enough. If we are to preserve
our senses--if one of us at least--some period must be put to this
torture. Are you satisfied yet with the penance you have exacted? Or how
much more do you wish me to suffer? For I declare to you, I have almost
passed the bounds of endurance--you will make me mad!"
"I wish you to suffer nothing," said I. "I will keep my room; I will
keep out of your sight, if it makes you mad to see me. I will go away,
or else confine myself to my own apartments; I exact nothing; I only
desire you to leave me at peace."
"You will keep out of my sight if I will leave you at peace? That is a
sweet compact, is it not?" he said, with vehemence and bitterness, and I
could see that, at last, his patience had quite given way. "What do you
mean, Hester? Have you any recollection how it is that we are related to
each other--do you know what is the bond between us?"
"Yes! we are in slavery," I said; "we belong to each other--we are
united for ever. It is no use deceiving ourselves; we never can be any
better--that is all I know."
"And why can we never be any better?" he said, softening and growing
gentle in his tone. "Unhappy and disturbed as I am, my fears do not go
the length of that. I will not do you the injustice to suppose, that you
will keep this delusion all your life. If you will retain it now, I
appeal to your better judgment afterwards. But why should you retain it
now, Hester? You are no happier for your revenge--I am no better for my
punishment. It is now a long time since the offence was committed; look
at it again, and see if it is equal to the penalty. Tell me, Hester,
what have I done?"
"You have deceived me," I said.
"I told you nothing untrue of myself," he said, quietly. "I did not tell
you all the truth. See how you have changed me already--a man cannot be
at the bar so long without trying to justify himself. At first I was a
penitent offender--but nothing but mercy can make repentance, Hester,
and you have shown no mercy to me. What have I done to deserve all that
you have inflicted upon me?"
"You have deceived me," I repeated sullenly.
He started up and made a few rapid strides through the room as if going
away--but then he returned again. His temper, his self-command, his
patience, could not bear any more--I saw that I had fairly roused him to
strive with me.
"Is this all you have to say, Hester?" he asked almost sternly. "Am I to
hear this and only this rung in my ears continually--have you nothing
but my first offence to urge against me--is this all?"
"Yes," I said, "it is all, and I have nothing more to say."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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