People derive great happiness, fulfilment and satisfaction from their
children. Is not this, in itself, a sufficient explanation? The
pleasure principle seems to be at work: people have children because it
gives them great pleasure. Children are sources of emotional
sustenance. As parents grow old, they become sources of economic
support, as well. Unfortunately, these assertions are not sustained by
the facts. Increasing mobility breaks families apart at an early stage.
Children become ever more dependent on the economic reserves of their
parents (during their studies and the formation of a new family). It is
not uncommon today for a child to live with and off his parents until
the age of 30. Increasing individualism leaves parents to cope with the
empty nest syndrome. Communication between parents and children has
rarefied in the 20th century.
It is possible to think of children as habit forming (see: "The Habit
of Identity"). In this hypothesis, parents - especially mothers - form
a habit. Nine months of pregnancy and a host of social reactions
condition the parents. They get used to the presence of an "abstract"
baby. It is a case of a getting used to a concept. This is not very
convincing. Entertaining a notion, a concept, a thought, an idea, a
mental image, or a symbol very rarely leads to the formation of a
habit.
Moreover, the living baby is very different to its pre-natal image. It
cries, it soils, it smells, it severely disrupts the lives of its
parents. It is much easier to reject it then to transform it to a
habit. Moreover, a child is a bad emotional investment. So many things
can and do go wrong with it as it grows. So many expectations and
dreams are frustrated. The child leaves home and rarely reciprocates.
The emotional "returns" on an investment in a child are rarely
commensurate with the magnitude of the investment.
This is not to say that people do NOT derive pleasure and fulfilment
from their offspring. This is undeniable. Yet, it is neither in the
economic nor in the mature emotional arenas. To have children seems to
be a purely Narcissistic drive, a part of the pursuit of Narcissistic
supply.
For further elaboration, please refer to: "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" and the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
sections.
We are all Narcissists, to a greater or lesser degree. A Narcissist is
a person who projects a (false) image to the people around him. He then
proceeds to define himself by this very image reflected back at him.
Thus, he regards people as mere instruments, helpful in his Sisyphean
attempt at self-definition. Their attention is crucial because it
augments his weak ego and defines its boundaries. The Narcissist feeds
off their admiration, adoration and approval and these help him to
maintain a grandiose (fantastic and delusional) sense of self. As the
personality matures, Narcissism is replaced with the ability to
empathize and to love.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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