My quasi-mathematical habits of analysis were at my service in my
project of healing, and I resolved the problem into its elements, after
the manner of geometricians.
I reduced this question to this other: “What is love?” to which I
answered brutally by your definition: “Love is the obsession of sex.”
Now, how is this combated? By physical fatigue, which suspends, or at
least lessens, the action of the mind.
I compelled myself and I compelled my pupil to take long walks. The
days on which he had no lessons, Sundays and Thursdays, I went out
alone at the break of day, after having arranged the hour and the
place in which Lucien should join me with the carriage. I awoke at two
o’clock. I went out from the château, in the cold of the half-twilight
which precedes the dawn.
I went straight before me, frantically, choosing the worst paths,
ascending the nearest peaks by the most abrupt and almost inaccessible
sides. I risked breaking my limbs in descending the yielding sand of
the craters, or upon the crests of basalt. No matter.
The orange line of the aurora gained the border of the sky. The wind
of the new day beat against my face. The stars like precious stones
melted away, drowned in the flood of azure, now pale, now darker. The
sun lighted up, on the flowers, the trees and the grass a flashing of
sparkling dew.
Persuaded as I am, of the laws of prehistoric atavism, I aroused in
myself, by the sensation of the forced march and of the heights, the
rudimentary mind of the ancestral brute, of the man of the caves from
whom I, as well as the rest of mankind, am descended.
I attained in this way a sort of savage delirium, but it was neither
the dreamed-of joy nor peace, and it was interrupted by the smallest
reminiscence of my relations with Charlotte. The turn of a road which
we had followed together, the blue bosom of the lake seen from some
height, the outline of the slated roofs of the château, less than
that, even the trembling foliage of a birch and its silvery trunk, the
name of a village of which she had spoken, on an advertisement, was
sufficient, and this factitious frenzy gave place to the keen regret
that she was not near me.
I heard her say in her finely-toned voice: “Look then--” as she would
say when we wandered together, through this same region, which was then
covered with ice and snow--but the flower of her beauty was then in
bloom, now it was adorned with verdure, but the living flower was gone.
And this sensation became more intolerable still when I met Lucien, who
never failed to talk of her. He loved her, he admired her so lovingly,
and in his ingenuousness he gave me so many proofs that she was worthy
of being loved and admired. Then physical weariness resolved itself
into a worse enervation, and nights followed in which I suffered from
an excited insomnia, in which I would weep aloud, calling her name like
one deranged.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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