"Oh, how wonderful, how mysterious is this. And so simple too. Is it
true that all individuals possess a similar Ego? Perhaps it is only I
who have it? Or perhaps nobody has it. Down there hundreds of soldiers
stand drawn up in front of me. I give the order: 'Eyes to the right,' to
hundreds of human beings who has each his own Ego, and who see in me
something foreign, distant, i.e. non-Ego--then turn their heads at once
to the right. But I do not distinguish one from the other; they are to
me merely a mass. And to Colonel Schulgovich both I and Viätkin and
Lbov, and all the captains and lieutenants, are likewise perhaps merely
a 'mass,' viz., he does not distinguish one of us from the other, or, in
other words, we are entirely outside his ken as individuals to him."
The door was opened, and Hainán stole into the room. He began at once
his usual dance, threw up his legs into the air, rocked his shoulders,
and shouted--
"Your Honour, I got no cigarettes. They said that Lieutenant Skriabin
gave orders that you were not to have any more on credit."
"Oh, damn! You can go, Hainán. What am I to do without cigarettes?
However, it is of no consequence. You can go, Hainán."
"What was it I was thinking of?" Romashov asked himself, when he was
once more alone. He had lost the threads, and, unaccustomed as he was to
think, he could not pick them up again at once. "What was I thinking of
just now? It was something important and interesting. Well, let us turn
back and take the questions in order. Also, I am under arrest; out in
the street I see people at large; my mother tied me up with a
thread--_me, me_. Yes, so it was. The soldier perhaps has an Ego,
perhaps even Colonel Shulgovich. Ha, he! now I remember; go on. Here I
am sitting in my room. I am arrested, but my door is open. I want to go
out, but I dare not. Why do I not dare? Have I committed any
crime--theft--murder? No. All I did was merely omitting to keep my heels
together when I was talking to another man. Possibly I was wrong. Yet,
why? Is it anything important? Is it the chief thing in life? In about
twenty or thirty years--a second in eternity--my life, my Ego, will go
out like a lamp does when one turns the wick down. They will light
life--the lamp--afresh, over and over again; but my Ego is gone for
ever. Likewise this room, this sky, the regiment, the whole army, all
stars, this dirty globe, my hands and feet--all, all--shall be
annihilated for ever. Yes, yes; that is so. Well, all right--but wait a
bit. I must not be in too much of a hurry. I shall not be in existence.
Ah, wait. I found myself in infinite darkness. Somebody came and lighted
my life's lamp, but almost immediately he blew it out again, and once
more I was in darkness, in the eternity of eternities. What did I do?
What did I utter during this short moment of my existence? I held my
thumb on the seam of my trousers and my heels together. I shrieked as
loud as I could: 'Shoulder arms!' and immediately afterwards I thundered
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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