Mine and my females extravagancies, made me invent as many ways to cheat, as we had ways to spend what was this way gotten. If I had heard any friend say, they must buy a Gown, I had my Mercer ready for that purpose: If a Suit and Cloak, my Draper, and the like; sometimes telling my friend, That I was acquainted with one that would sell me a far cheaper pennyworth than any one else: other times, that such an one owed me some moneys, and that this way I could both pleasure my friend, and hedge in mine own debt. Though I drove a great trade this way, receiving still ready cash, yet this would not do alone. As an assistance, I guelded the money-box every day, receiving my part first, before my Matter should take his, which usually he did every night, putting it into his Till. I could not sleep for thinking how I might be intimately acquainted with the inwards of this same Till. Several projects I made tryal of, but none suited my purpose so well, as a Barbers pair of Curling irons. I got a File from a Smith, and to work I went with my Curling irons, filing them to slip in easily, and to turn round. The first Essay I made thereof, had like to have put me into an Extasie for joy. I laid them upon their edge, opened them wide, I pinched the money below; holding fast, I turned them on their side, and so drew up the money to the mouth of the Scotch: now because there was many times so much, that it would not come through, with a knife I would slide away piece after piece, till I had fitted the money to the narrowness of the passage. I seldom brought up at a time less than three shillings, a good draught, not ceasing till I had gotten twenty or thirty shillings at a time, or more, according to the quantity of the stock. Finding my Engine act according to my desires, I could not be content without congratulating my success. My Master was seldom at home, wherefore I askt my Mistress to go out for an hour, promising her not to stay beyond my limited time: She consented and I overjoyed, pickt up a Rambler or two, and away we went to honest _Ralph_. Being glad to see us, he planted us in a convenient room fit for his purpose. There was never a Pint he scored at the Bar, but he had a Quart-Bottle in his Breeches for it. They all wondred to see me so frollick, but I thought it wisdom to conceal the depth of my practice from them. After we had drank very smartly, I came home, transgressing but a little beyond my time. My Mistress was very well pleased, telling me, _I should have leave another time, since I was so punctual_. Those Bottles of Sack we drank, ran perpetually in my minde, for it was the very flower of Wine. In the commemoration of my Friends courtesie, and the goodness of that Liquor, I gave my contemplative fancy leave to characterize a Bottle of Canary, thus. [Illustration] THE CHARACTER OF A Bottle of _Canary_.