It was in his power to have influenced her, and to have
developed the finer side of her nature. But, instead of this, what had
he done? In lieu of recognizing the responsibility which he assumed,
by taking the life of another into his keeping, he had sought to
justify his own shortcomings by exaggerating hers, and imitating them.
If she flirted, he flirted. If she were foolish, he was doubly so. Was
that the way for the head of a family to behave? When her coquetries
irritated him, he looked for consolation elsewhere, and eventually
allowed himself to fall completely under the spell of a middle-aged
woman, remarkable rather for her beauty than her virtue. And then, when
Fenella resented his conduct, and in forcible language pointed out
that the marriage ceremony should be as binding for the husband as the
wife, what reply did he make? He answered, in the false, unjust voice
of the world: “No; you labor under a very great mistake in upbraiding
me, and have no ground whatever to stand upon. Society has decreed that
a man may do as he likes, be as unfaithful (within certain limits) as
he pleases; but you are totally different. A woman cannot go out of
bounds, without getting the worst of it. Therefore, once for all, you
had better recognize your position.”
He could see the hot blood rush to her cheek. “But this is monstrous,
no matter what Society has decreed. May I ask, Frank, if such is the
law by which you intend to shape your conduct in the future?”
With shame, he remembered his answer. “Yes, Fenella. Right or wrong, it
is the law of every man of the world.”
And from that day they had become more and more estranged, until at
last their unhappiness reached a culminating pitch, and by mutual
desire, they determined to separate. But had they been happier apart
than together? He, for one, could answer that question in the negative.
In the midst of the wildest dissipation, the gayest scene, his heart
had ached, and ever in his memory there dwelt the recollection of
loving words and looks, which no effort on his part could banish.
Looking back on the past, he saw that he was even more to blame than
she. There had been faults on both sides, but mainly on his. As he sank
on his knees by Fenella’s bedside, he admitted the fact, freely and
without reserve. And thus kneeling, a flood of tenderness and remorse
swept over his spirit, and he, who had not prayed for years, and was
in the habit of denying the existence of a Deity, bowed down his head,
humbly, meekly, like a little child, and prayed.
“Oh! good God,” he cried, “be merciful. Spare her to me, if only that
I may atone for all my past errors by a life of devotion. We have
stood on the brink of a precipice. Almost she and I have fallen into a
bottomless pit; for in our blindness we turned our backs upon thee,
but now, oh, great All-Father, strengthen us and counsel us in this,
our sore necessity.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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